Sunday, August 31, 2008

A Couple Fills Their Family With Children And Love

Friends & Neighbors: Terry and Denise Gates

By Lara HayesDalton Daily Citizen

Chelsea Gates, 10, left, tells a story to her siblings Destiny, 13, Andy, 16, both on first row; second row, Kody, 13, Tyler, 6, and Toby, 13, and her parents Denise and Terry at their home in Varnell. None/Misty Watson



Varnell has a couple who have adopted six children. And no, their names aren’t Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.Terry and Denise Gates met on a blind date set up by a mutual friend in 1988. Denise didn’t really like him at first because he talked too much.“I’m not much of a talker,” she said.Despite her misgivings, Denise said “yes” to a second date and soon the relationship blossomed. They married in 1989 and wanted to start a family immediately. They tried for months with no success and then decided to seek medical help.“I went through so many medical tests and procedures to become pregnant,” said Denise. “Doctors could find no medical reason as to why I could never get pregnant. I prayed all the time to get pregnant and have lots of children. I know now that this wasn’t part of (God’s) plan for me to give birth to a child.”The couple began to consider adoption and discussed getting a child from another country. Denise was on her last try of in-vitro fertilization when they received a phone call in January, 1992, that would change their lives forever.“It was from a friend who knew of two young girls who were pregnant and needing someone to adopt their children because they couldn’t take care of them,” said Denise. “One didn’t work out but after four long months and many ups and downs, Andy — who is my special gift from God — was born in April.”Andy’s adoption was finalized in July, 1992.


As Andy grew, he began to beg for brothers and sisters. Denise and Terry applied for another private adoption and waited ... and waited ... and waited. After eight years they decided the only way they were going to get another child was by becoming foster parents and adopt.“Little did we know that when you become a foster parent, most of the time you don’t get just one,” said Denise. “They come in groups.”Chelsea and Destiny were the first two children they got from the Department of Family and Children Services in 2000. Their brother Kody came from a crisis center a few weeks later. The couple say that the birth parents did nothing they were supposed to do to get their children back so in July, 2003, their parental rights were terminated. The children were then available for adoption.“A decision had to be made if we were going to adopt all of them,” Denise said. “When we decided to adopt again, we were just planning on one more, not three more.”After much prayer and several signs they say were from God directing them, the Gates said yes. The adoption was final in April, 2004.The couple were also still fostering and had become foster parents to Toby and Tyler in 2003. Again, the birth parents neglected their duties and their parental rights were terminated. By that time, Terry and Denise had grown very attached to the two brothers and agreed to adopt them as well. Their adoption was final in 2006.All the children have chores and get an allowance. Homework and chores must be done before Denise arrives home from her job as an administrative assistant at Beaulieu of America. Terry Gates works as a machinist at Lockheed-Martin in Marietta but is currently home recovering from open heart surgery.


All the kids play sports which means a lot of driving all over the county. The family is also very active at their church, Salem Baptist. How do they keep everything straight?“By being very organized and planning as far ahead as possible,” said Denise. “I lay their clothes out for the week. I also have a PDA (personal data assistant) that I punch everything into.”The couple says their church has been a big help, especially recently when Terry was still in the hospital.“They made sure all the kids had a place to go,” said Terry. “And when we have dinners at the church we get the leftovers.”Many of their relatives and the children’s grandparents also help out by buying the children clothes or giving them hand-me-downs.“Financially it’s not easy,” said Denise. “It takes everything we have to do it.”Perhaps the strongest thing that has seen them through is their solid faith in God.“We do a lot of it on faith, and we’ve done a lot with God’s help,” said Terry. “Sometimes we wonder why we did it, but we have no regrets whatsoever.”
To view original article, click on title of post.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Foster Parents Use Tough Love

The tough call made by the ones she loved
Grania Litwin, Canwest News Service
Published: Saturday, August 30, 2008



Cora Goodyer was a straight-A student who took part in all kinds of sports and had a perfect attendance record at school until age 13, when she was molested by her sister's best friend.
"That's when my happiness ended," said Goodyer, who dropped out of school in Grade 9.
Since then the young Victoria woman has been addicted to heroin and cocaine, charged with assault, spent months in juvenile detention, rehab and foster homes, been under house arrest, worked in the escort business, had two daughters and lost a set of twins.

So how did she survive?
"I'm alive and sane today because of the tough love of my foster parents and my adoptive mother," said the 23-year-old, who was adopted at birth and whose adoptive parents separated when she was four. "I lived with my [adoptive] mother who was, and still is, mentally ill. I witnessed a lot of drug and alcohol abuse growing up."
She says she learned no coping skills in her unstable home.
"I'd looked up to this guy and when he molested me it was horrible," she said. She reported the offence and he was charged but later acquitted.
Anger festered inside her and she talked about suicide. That's when a friend introduced her to heroin.
"I still remember that first hit. Every failing I'd ever had just disappeared. I felt like a whole new person in a brand new body," she said.

Goodyer was hooked on heroin the second it entered her. "It gave me a sense of belonging," she said. At the same time, she got involved with "some pretty heavy people" and harboured two men who had escaped from prison.
Drugs led to her own criminal record (for death threats and assault) and she was sent to detox at the home of Janet and Mark Guthrie.
It was a turning point.

"I fell in love with them," she said simply. "Detox was hard, very hard. Sometimes I didn't know if it was worth it. The pain of coming off was physical, emotional, horrible dreams, night sweats. I had no family support. Just Janet and Mark, who were strong for me."
When she finished detox, they asked her to become their foster child and she leapt at the idea, stayed clean for a year, returned to school, and enrolled in programs at the Boys and Girls Club.
"It was fantastic," she recalled.
But at 16 she assaulted someone. "Life was kicking me in the butt and I got back on heroin. I tried to hide it from the two people I loved most, but was way under the influence."
One night they said: "We're doing this because we love you," and two policemen rang the doorbell.

"I was so mad. I yelled and screamed as they took me away. That was the first time I'd ever been shown tough love. My foster mom was crying. I was screaming, 'How could you do this to me?' "
Given a choice between juvenile detention and drug rehab at Williams Lake, she chose rehab but didn't finish, so was sent back to detention. She begged her parents to get her out, but they said she was there because they loved her. She phoned her adoptive mom and she agreed.
"I've wasted so much time," sighed Goodyer, who wants to be a youth corrections officer one day. "It took me a long time to understand why my foster parents didn't come to get me."

Over the next several years she was in and out of care, back and forth to the Guthries', in trouble with the law. "After a while my foster parents told me I couldn't come home like I'd done twice before." Her response was total denial. She thought she had everything under control, was on top of the world, didn't need anybody.
"I was in a rotten crowd and didn't see a way out," Goodyer said.
She started working for an escort agency, "dipping into coke, met some pretty psychotic guys," and still thought everything was cool -- until the B.C. Ministry of Children and Families took her child away.

"I loved my baby but couldn't support her. It was devastating," she said.
She began using cocaine, spending up to $1,000 a day on the drug and not sleeping for three or four days.
The five-foot-six woman dropped under 100 pounds and developed a hole in her nose from snorting cocaine.
"I thought I looked like a sexy supermodel," she said.

At 19, Goodyer, met Warren Skaalrud, who saw her failings but also the goodness in her. They moved in together and he tried to help her recover, but she started escorting again behind his back. "It's an addiction, too, because you can make $150 in half an hour, sometimes 10 minutes."
He found out, said, "I'm done," and left.
One day she went to see her foster mom. "I told her I want what you and Dad have. She said: 'Go get it then.' "
Goodyer began fighting for her family and health. Her boyfriend returned, and if she wavered, he showed her a picture of her daughter to remind her.

To see original article, click on title of post.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Couple Has Fostered More Than 50 Children Over Almost 30 Years - Hailed As Super Foster Carers


We’ve given 50 children a home
Aug 26 2008 by Abby Alford, South Wales Echo

A COUPLE who have given a home to more than 50 children who would otherwise “have no-one to love them” have been hailed as super foster carers.
Allan and Bernadette Cotter admit their work with youngsters with challenging behaviour is difficult, but say it is still “the best job in the world”.
“It’s not an easy role, but it’s extremely rewarding and we wouldn’t want to do anything else,” said Allan, 61, of Rumney, Cardiff.
“Without foster carers many vulnerable children would have no-one to love them.”
Allan and Bernadette, who have two grown-up daughters of their own, decided to become foster carers because they are passionate about helping children and young people who, through no fault of their own, have had a difficult start in life.
They have been praised as super foster carers by fostering agency Pathway Care Group for helping children and young people for almost 30 years.
Allan said: “It’s the best job in the world, but we couldn’t do it without the support of our family, friends, neighbours and Pathway Care, they’ve all been fantastic.”
The couple have been caring for twin boys for five years. One of the boys has complex behavioural needs.
“He is very bright and loving, but he suffers from sudden mood changes. He can be happy one minute and frustrated the next,” said Allan.
“It’s vital when looking after children with challenging behaviour to be very calm and in control. You mustn’t react aggressively towards them, even if they’re being antagonistic. Through experience and training we’ve learned how to diffuse volatile situations by talking with the children calmly and listening to them.”
Allan and Bernadette hope telling their story will encourage others to become foster carers.
Cardiff-based Pathway Care is calling on those with a background in social and residential care such as social workers, nurses, teachers, police officers and foster carers to come forward.
Wendy Keiden, director of Pathway Care South East Wales, said: “Allan and Bernadette are inspirational. Fostering youngsters with complex needs is not easy, but they’ve risen to the challenge and helped many disadvantaged children lead more fulfilling lives.
“There’s a shortage in Cardiff of foster carers with the experience and skills to look after foster children with challenging behaviour.

It truly takes special people to take on the care of youngsters who have challenging behaviors. My hat goes off to this couple who for 30 years have taken in kids that most families would find unmanageable. I wish I had that type of personality. But as I have admitted before; When God was passing out patience, I definitely was not sitting in the front row. God bless this couple and may they continue to be able to make a difference in the lives of foster children.

To view original article, click on post title.

His Smile Said It All !

This story comes from a person who is part of the support group - Cafemom.com. I don't know her name or who she is, but I wanted to post it for everyone to read. This story is a story of love, devotion, and commitment. This is what I hope for when/if we get the chance to adopt our foster daughter.


As we were the final family to be called into the judge's chambers yesterday to finalize our adoption, we watched as each of the other five families were called back (one by one) before us. The first family truly made my heart burst with emotion.
It was a large group of about eight adults and no less than five children. Several of the children were of differing races so I think it's be a safe bet to say that this was probably a foster family with children from many different homes- maybe some siblings, but probably not all.
When the attorney call this family's name, a young African American boy of about 11 or so stood up immediately, turned and looked back at the rest of his group, and then headed toward the chambers with the biggest, most beautiful smile I have ever seen. This young man was ready to make this his forever family. And he was so excited, so happy. It just radiated from him! The rest of the family followed behind noisily- lol. This boy never said a word as he headed to the front of the courtroom, but that smile said it all for everyone else in that courtroom.
As the chamber doors were closed behind this first adoptive group, I finally cried. THIS is what fost-adoption is about. THIS is why I love being a foster parent and why we chose to adopt a child from the system. At about 11 years of age, that young boy was aware of whatever he had endured in his biological home. He had been through whatever "the system" had put him through in the name of his best interest. And all he wanted was a safe, happy, relatively normal (LOL) forever family. He had found that and making it official couldn't happen fast enough. Wow.
After about fifteen or twenty minutes, the doors to the judge's chambers opened and out came the newly added-to family. This young black man walked out beside his "new", white dad- still sporting that incredible grin. The dad put his hands around the boy's neck and said, "Well, son...." It was incredible.
Then they took a photo to commemorate the event right there in the front of the courtroom. This preteen, newly adopted young man kissed his new daddy....right on the top of dad's head in the middle of his bald spot.
That's a moment in time I will never, ever forget!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Foster Care - One Child's Personal Experience

The story below, like my previous post, is another successful foster family story that warms my heart. I often wonder how my own foster daughter feels about living with a family that is not her own. I have known her for quite a few years so I do know her pretty well, but I'm sure there are things that she feels that she does not tell me. It is very reassuring to read a story that reminds me that many children come to think of their new foster homes as happy, safe, loving homes where they feel secure. I do think that my foster daughter does recognize that she is loved and I know she feels safer in our home than she did at her birth mom's, but I also know she misses her mom terribly and is struggling with many feelings. Maybe someday she will be able to tell us that she, like the girl in the story below, has come to understand the differences between her past life with her mom and her present and future life with us and that she feels safe, happy, and loved with us.

Foster Care - In Her Own Words
This story was written by a youth currently in foster care. Her full name has not been used in order to protect her identity and maintain confidentiality.

“I don’t need any suit people pretending to by my parents” were my exact words as I arrived off the plane at the Breslau airport. As I was sitting in a bad position, not knowing exactly what to expect, the 2 suits walked up to me and told me to “butt out” my smoke and get into their car. I looked at my mom, who was with the 2 suits, expecting her to explain what was going on. Seems my mom didn’t really know what was going on either except that the suits were taking me into their custody. By custody, I mean foster care. For the very first time in my life, my mom couldn’t save me.
I have always believed that the “suits”, otherwise known as Family and Children’s Services, were only there to take away kids from good homes and separate them from their brothers and sisters. I thought they just took kids away so they could make money off of people’s taxes. I imagined that foster care would be scary and unpredictable and I was about to find out….
My first two weeks in foster care were like a nightmare. I cried every night and planned my escape. I thought I was in jail, only worse. And then one day I woke up and I wasn’t crying anymore. I began to feel more secure and comfortable and realized that my foster parents didn’t “wear suits”. I slowly began to realize that I was adjusting to my new situation and was starting to feel “ok” with the people I was with.
Now, 4 months later, I realize that I’m not in “jail” and that the “suits” were only trying to help me ( I have a great child service worker) and that my “foster family” cares about me. I know now that the “suits” weren’t trying to make any money off me and that they were just trying to help my mom and I. I have a better relationship with my mom, I’m going to school (wasn’t really doing that much before), working part-time, making new friends and experiencing new things like going to camp. I’m also starting to dream about what I can do in the future. I want to be a Class A Mechanic and the only way that I’m going to get there is by somebody “kicking me in the butt” to go to school. I don’t think any of these things would have happened if the “suits” hadn’t met me at the airport. I think my life would have taken a different turn, spiralling downhill.
I never realized how lucky I was to be put in a foster home that actually felt like a home. I know that there are kids out there that aren’t as lucky as me, and I wish there were more people who would take the time out of their lives to do society a favor and take kids into their homes. If more people would do that then maybe they would realize that the so-called “thugs, hoodlums and punks” that are on our streets are maybe just kids that need you.
Mary T. (Age 16)

To view original article, click on title of post.

Monday, August 25, 2008

The Story of Dave Pelzer

I believe that by reading about child abuse and how different children overcome the hurt and humiliation that usually accompanies abuse we can learn much about how to spot a child in trouble and how to get that child help. There are three books that span the years in the life a man named Dave Pelzer who was severely abused as a child. Mr. Pelzer appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show several years ago and his story is truly amazing. The first of these books, A Child Called "It": One Child's Courage to Survive, begins with Dave's early memories of being abused by his alcoholic mother beginning somewhere around the age of four. The second book, The Lost Boy: A Foster Child's Search for the Love of a Family, takes you through the foster homes where Dave experienced more abuse as he was shuffled from home to home. The third book, A Man Named Dave, is about Dave Pelzer as an adult. In this book Dave tells you how he overcame the painful memories of his youth and how as a man he became a loving father.

I recommend reading these three books. I agree with those of you who say it is very hard to read about abusive situations. I find that the knowledge I gain by following a story from beginning to end almost always leaves me with new understanding about the abusive personality, and what I learn about the abused child makes me want to reach out to those children who so desperately need someone to save them.

The title's of the books are links where you can find out more about the stories in the books and about information for purchasing them.

A Young Couple, ages 30 & 31, Makes Choice To Foster Teenagers

The following article is a story that caught my attention. Most of what I find as I read through news articles relating to foster care are stories of how foster parents are horrible people who mistreat the children who come into their care. This story warmed my heart as I read of this young married couple who realized that they were in a position to reach out to teens in need of a foster home, and then went after what they knew they wanted to do. Those of us who are foster parents have learned that teenagers often have a harder time finding a family who will take them in compared to younger children. Thanks to these two young adults, there are three less teenagers in the world who are wondering if anybody cares about them.

Duluth couple in their 30s are foster parents to teens
Jane Brissett, Duluth News TribunePublished Sunday, August 24, 2008

At Kevin and Kelly Erickson’s home in Duluth, the family of five eats dinner together each evening. Kelly, the mom, calls from work to see what the three teenage kids are doing. They all have chores. The family takes vacations together. The kids look out for one another.
In many ways, life in the Erickson family with three teenagers is quite ordinary.
What’s out of the ordinary is that the three unrelated teens are long-term foster children and the foster parents — Kevin and Kelly — are little more than a decade out of adolescence themselves.
While other couples in their early 30s are having babies, the Ericksons have jumped feet-first into parenting teens, a period that can be challenging in the best of circumstances.
In south St. Louis County, just five families in their 30s are foster parents to teenagers, said Rick Benson, a county social worker who works with the Ericksons in their roles as foster parents.
Kelly was a teenager herself when she became interested in foster parenting. Her brother’s placement in a foster home started her thinking about foster parenting as a way for her to help children grow up successfully.
“Foster care’s not a bad thing,” Kelly said as she sat with the family one summer evening in her Duluth home. “People think kids are in foster care because they’re bad kids, but they’re not.”
Kevin had little exposure to foster care until he and Kelly started dating. Before they began foster care about 3½ years ago, both mentored young people as part of the Mentor Duluth program, which they believe was good experience for foster parenting.
“They certainly are motivated to try to make a difference in the lives of young people,” Benson said of the Ericksons. “They have that attitude of community responsibility — that there are needs all around us here.”
When the Ericksons were preparing to become foster parents, they decided they wanted foster children from ages 6 to 12. But their plans changed after talking with Benson.
“Rick talked us into taking teenagers,” Kelly said. Generally, teenagers are the most difficult age to place.
Benson said the Ericksons’ ages — Kelly is 31 and Kevin is 30 — were an advantage because they were closer to adolescence than most people who take on teenage foster children. They probably can understand the wants and needs of kids better than older foster parents, Benson said.
Kevin, who works at Barnes & Noble and is a college student, and Kelly, who owns Payroll Processing Plus in Duluth, do all they can to promote a sense of family among the kids.
The Ericksons have no children by birth and don’t plan to. “This is our family. We don’t want to have our own biological children,” Kelly said. Other than one short placement that wasn’t a good fit, the three they are caring for are the only foster kids the Ericksons have had since they began foster parenting.
“We try as hard as we can to make everything family-oriented,” Kevin said. That includes everything from dinner together every night to vacations to attending extended-family functions. They’ve taken the kids to ValleyFair and Disney World.
The foster children who live with the Ericksons can’t be named or identified because of privacy concerns, but they clearly feel part of a family. They say they feel accepted and see Kevin and Kelly as loving parents, not caretakers.
However, the family has a structured environment with strict rules.
Not all of the kids were used to that when they came to the Ericksons’ and adjusting took some time.
Furthermore, the rules at the Erickson house are not always uniform.
“Different rules for different kids is our motto,” Kelly said. Each child has different needs and different circumstances, so the Ericksons try to recognize that by tailoring the rules to the individual.
The Ericksons see plenty of return for their efforts.
“The biggest reward is, I have a family. I have kids I look up to and adore,” Kevin said.
“Doing foster care,” he added, “is giving me a purpose in my life.”


To view original article, click on title of post.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

The Continued Need For Foster Homes

Group seeks more foster homes

By Charles Oliver

Just a few weeks ago, Whitfield County had 231 children needing foster homes but only 28 homes to place them in, says Jason Yarbrough, a member of the Whitfield County Foster Recruitment Committee.

Murray County had more than 80 children needing foster homes and just 25 homes to place them in, he added.

The committee was formed earlier this year to raise awareness of foster homes and to encourage more adults to become foster parents.

“This is the first time that I’ve been involved that we’ve really tried to push and recruit more foster parents to get involved,” Yarbrough said.

What happens to a child who can’t be placed in a local foster home?

“If a child can’t be placed in a foster home in the county they are taken from, (officials) look at group homes,” said Yarbrough, who is also president of the Whitfield County Foster and Adoptive Parent Association.

“If there’s no opening in a group foster home, or if they don’t think it’s suitable for that child, they place them in another county,” he said. “I don’t know the exact percentage, but a great percentage of children in both Whitfield and Murray counties are placed outside either county, some are as far south as Macon or even Savannah.”

Yarbrough, who has been a foster parent for about six years, said that isn’t the most ideal solution.

“The child has been taken out of their home, and that’s a difficult transition,” he said. “We want to keep everything as normal as we can. I know that sounds odd. But if they can stay in the same school, the same community, keep doing the same sports and so forth that they are accustomed to, it makes it as easy as possible for the child.”

Also, he says, if the child is placed out of the county, it makes it harder for parents to visit that child.

“Most foster children have a reunification plan with their parents, and part of that plan is to meet with them, visit with them and have interactions,” he said. “It’s hard to do that if they are in south Georgia.”

The recruitment committee is advertising on local media for people interested in becoming foster parents.

“We are also targeting churches. We are going to have a flier that we want for them to insert in their bulletins or make available to their members,” he said.

Those who are interested in becoming a foster parent can call (877) 210-5437, or they can call the Whitfield County Department of Family and Children Services at (706) 272-2331. Churches interested in getting copies of the flier should call DFCS.

This problem of not enough foster homes for the number of children entering the foster system isn't unique to Georgia. Many states are suffering from the lack of foster homes. Fostering isn't cut out for everyone. However, I believe that many more people would be willing to open their homes up to foster children if they just realized the need. If you think you might like to look into what it means to foster a child, you can call the numbers provided above.
To find information on foster care agencies in your local area, look in the government section of your phone book. You can also find resources on the Internet. Simply type in "(your state name) foster care agencies" into a search engine.

Too see original article, click on title of post.

More Thoughts On Shaken Baby Syndrome

George at SKIPPER Initiative, http://skippervigil.blogspot.com/, had these thoughts to add to my previous post on shaken baby syndrome:

A parent should certainly research all available references and history.

However, while that's necessary, it's not sufficient to ensure that you've done everything you can to protect your child.

You must talk with your child care provider about the danger of shaking young children, that frustration and anger is a normal response to caring for young children, and they need to agree to follow a simple coping plan: recognize that frustration, leave the baby in a safe place and call someone, either as a safety vent or to acknowledge the frustration.

They need to know that it's OK with you to have feelings of frustration.It can be done in a manner that doesn't accuse, but instead talks about sharing knowledge and opportunity to protect your child from injury. If your child is an infant, it can be especially effective coupled with SIDS information.

In New York and several other states, licensed providers must have training on the causes, consequences and prevention of shaken baby. That obligation doesn't extend to "exempt" providers, and it's not complete assurance - providers have attended training and still shaken children.

But this education model is based on a program for new parents in Buffalo that reduced the incidence of shaken babies and inflicted injuries by 50%.

Not perfect, but for a simple 15 minute intervention, pretty effective insurance!...

So, if a parent just checks references, they will have a false sense of security.

Sharing information with all other caregivers of your child about the causes and consequences of SBS and the need for a simple coping plan - and ensuring they share your commitment to using it - is the key.

And not only will that help protect your child, it will help protect others.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

An Informative Book About Shaken Baby Syndrome

Everyone should have a basic understanding of what Shaken Baby Syndrome is. Click on the title of the book below to find information on how to purchase this book.

Shaken Baby Syndrome: A Multidisciplinary Approach

First sentence of summary:

An overview of the problem of the Shaken Infant Syndrome and the impact it has on society, as well as the great importance of the use of a multidisciplinary approach to the problem, and a general overview of what, exactly, Shaken Infant Syndrome is.

Another Case of Shaken Baby Syndrome

Day care owner charged with child abuse
In print: Saturday, August 23, 2008

A woman who runs a day care center out of her home was arrested Friday on one count of aggravated child abuse. Police say a happy, alert 1-year-old girl was dropped off at Stephanie Spurgeon's Palm Harbor house Thursday. When family members picked her up, she was sluggish, sleepy and then became unresponsive. She was taken to a hospital where she is being treated for serious injuries consistent with shaken baby syndrome or similar trauma. Spurgeon, 37, was booked into the Pinellas County Jail. No bail had been set late Friday.

I realize that I have been very privileged to have always had my parents and my husbands parents to babysit my kids when they were little. Some families have no other choice but to look for a babysitter outside of their own family. If I would have been in that position, I'm not sure how I would have handled it. You hear so often of children being abused while in the care of a babysitter. It is so important that you research all the information you can on any prospective care giver. I believe that more children than any of us realize are abused in one way or another while at their baby sitter's homes, or even if the babysitter comes to the child's home. For a variety of reasons a child will not always speak up to tell you what is happening to them.

Don't be so quick to give your children over to complete strangers just because at first glance the prospective babysitter seems nice. Find out all that you can about them first. Ask for the names and phone numbers of the other children's parents that this person takes care of. Call them & ask questions. Find out how the other children respond to this person. Try your best to find out how this person reacts when irritated with the children. Be a pest if necessary, but keep asking until you feel you know this person who is going to have your children in her care for the better part of each work day.

Nobody deserves to go through the agony of finding out that their most precious child was mistreated, perhaps injured, while you were away from them. It happens quickly and by people you would never suspect could behave in such a horrible way. Do your research thoroughly. When you are confident you have found out all that you can and are satisfied that your child will be safe, then and only then should you feel reassured that your child will be safe and happy when you return at the end of the work day to pick them up.

To view original article, click on title of post

Confused And Not Sure What To Do

Our foster daughter A. told us last Friday evening that her aunt was going to get an attorney and try to make it possible for A. to live with her as her foster child. I was pretty upset by that news. Since that time I have talked with someone who knows a little about what is going on and assured me that this did not seem to be the case at all. In fact, this aunt apparently has told A. that she is moving away very soon. Now I am completely confused about why A. would have told us what she did.


We have been told that sometimes a child can get so emotionally distraught and angry when their situation gets closer to their birth parent's parental rights being terminated that the child can go into a denial mode and start talking as if everything is going to be okay. I was told that this has been expected behavior and that it is felt that this is what is happening now. I don't know if I buy that or not, but I have to accept the possibility. If this is the case, then we can expect more fabrications of what is being told to her at her family visits.

Has anyone else gone through this? A. just doesn't seem like the type of child who invents things because she can't handle the truth. She has such a strong will and personality and seems to survive no matter what her situation. I just can't imagine her going into some fantasy world because she can't handle the fact that she won't be going home. But I guess anything is possible. We have been counseled not to confront A. with this recent fabrication of her aunt getting an attorney. I'm not sure that is the best way to handle A. She has always wanted to know everything that is happening right up front, and we have always dealt with everything in that way, the best that we could. I feel she deserves to meet this problem head on and to talk it out with us. I'm struggling with what to do. Any advice would be helpful!

Considering Adoption? Find Help Here.

BOOK REVIEW FOR
Click on title of book above to find information for purchase
Proper attachment is the most fundamental issue in a successful adoption, but what exactly does the term mean? Attaching in Adoption answers that question thoroughly, and it provides solutions to a variety of specific attachment problems.
Along with technical explanations of challenges such as self-esteem, childhood grief, and limit-testing, the book includes a tremendous number of personal vignettes illustrating attachment-related situations. Parents who are convinced that only their child has ever behaved a certain way are sure to take comfort in these stories; not only do they include kids from all backgrounds and age groups, but each has an ultimately happy ending. The emotional health of the whole family is also paramount according to the book--with plenty of rest and "alone time," caregivers are more likely to be emotionally available when they are most needed.
Because Attaching in Adoption focuses on special needs, families who are coming together through foster programs, at later ages, or across cultural lines will find it especially helpful. Both psychologically detailed and straightforwardly helpful, it can be of equal benefit to counselors and parents alike. --Jill Lightner (Book review by Amazon.com)

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Why child abuse seems to thrive in cyberspace

Aug 19 2008 by Mark Brittain, Daily Post
YET another worldwide internet child abuse ring has been infiltrated and closed down, its members intercepted, arrested, exposed to the light and jailed. Yet no sooner is one ring smashed than another seems to take root, like evil weeds flourishing in darkness.
At least, however, it also seems global law enforcement agencies are getting to grips with this appalling trade, the scale and scope of which has been amply demonstrated at Teesside Crown Court where “librarian” Philip Thompson has just been brought to well-deserved justice.
That a paedophile ring should require the services of a “librarian” at all is shocking enough. But consider this: the organisation to which he belonged had tentacles in 33 countries. When caught, Thompson was in possession of nearly one million images, including some quarter million images of “horrific” abuse – each and every one representing a child’s life and future happiness being exploited and destroyed for lust and profit.
Of the 360 suspects worldwide so far identified, 130 are in the UK. Of the 50 arrests made to date in Britain, alleged members include a police community support officer and a lecturer. It is difficult to comprehend what continues to motivate such people.
But the lesson from cases such as this is that the net in which they operate is closing fast, and with each arrest may well come vital information leading to other contacts. The hunters now seem to be getting one step ahead of their loathsome quarry.
And if there is anything which can be said in mitigation of Thompson it is that he cooperated fully with police and willingly provided details of other people involved in his network. The 27-year-old, scarcely more than a child himself in terms of emotional maturity, it seems, and described as “a young man who has fallen into that stereotype of a rather sad and lonely teenager who spends too much time in a darkened room in front of a computer screen” appears to have hardly understood the appalling nature of his crimes – which is not in any way to try to explain them, but to recognise that for some people of limited imagination and emotional intelligence, images have little if anything in common with real people and real lives.
It is this phenomenon, witnessed also in television and film violence, which may explain why the sharing of computer images of abuse is apparently so commonplace, despite the legal penalties.
Yesterday’s sentencing is a ray of light but still far too long a way off down a very dark tunnel.

To view original article, click on title of this post.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Riding The Roller Coaster

I don't how I am feeling. A. came home from her monthly visit with her mom with some news. A. said that her aunt had attended this visit and that A. had told her that she really wanted her to try to adopt her if her mom lost parental rights. I was also told that her aunt is going to hire an attorney not only to look into adoption but also to look into being a foster home for A. first and then adopting her. I don't think I have anything to worry about because A. has been in foster care for 3 years now and this aunt has never pushed the issue of being a foster family for A. It is in the back of my mind that I seem to remember something about this coming up about a year ago and her aunt was going to do all that she could do to get A. to live with her, but I never heard anymore about it. I have a feeling that the aunt has already been told by our Agency that it is unlikely that she would be able to foster or adopt A.

That is the way I think things have happened. I'm not sure though. I can't imagine this aunt getting A. as a foster child, let alone being allowed to adopt her. But, anyone who has had any experience with the court systems knows that things don't always work out the way you would expect them to. So, I am a little fearful of what the outcome of this may be. But I am also tired of worrying about everything so much. So, I am going to try my hardest to sit back and relax and let this all happen however it is going to happen. I can't fight the system. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. A. will be no better off with her aunt than she was with her mom, but she doesn't see it that way. She thinks she will be able to sneak visits with her mom if she is living with her aunt.

I've been on a roller coaster for the past 3 years with this case. The ups and downs are very draining. Just when we begin to think that everything is heading in the right direction, we suddenly find ourselves taking a dizzying, sharp turn on that roller coaster. It usually doesn't take long before the car we are riding in makes another turn and begins to head back in the right direction again. But then all of a sudden we find ourselves flying down a steep hill at a breathtaking speed. When we get to the bottom and feel as though all is lost and A. is probably going to go home, all of a sudden our car begins the long slow climb back up to the top of the hill where everything looks rosey again. We have just made another turn on the roller coaster and at this point I don't know where we are heading. So, this is where I just sit back and ride the ride to the end. I'm tired and I just want the ride to end.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Foster Parent Adoption - Success And Failure

If you are planning on adopting your foster child, you are probably facing a lot of questions. Even making the decision to adopt raises many questions. Here are some facts that I have learned while reading up on foster parent adoption.


It wasn't too long ago that adoption by the foster family was discouraged. Agencies were fearful that they would lose too many good foster homes due to adoptions. They felt that if foster families began adopting the children, then they would not want to take in any more foster children, and the need for good foster homes was just to great to lose any. However, today Agencies have come to recognize the benefits of foster families adopting the children in their care when the child cannot be returned to their family. Foster families today often have resources availabe to them that will help them learn not only how to act as a support and mentor to the child's birth family, but also how to prepare themselves to be a permanent role in the child's life if adoption becomes a possibility.


Foster families are often in the best position to adopt their foster children for several reasons. A foster family who has knowledge of their foster child's unique past and has at least some knowledge of how a child who has experienced particular issues from their past can be expected to behave, is a much better prospect for being able to learn about and to handle the child's particular behavior problems.


Foster families often have become acquainted with their foster child's birth family. By getting to know the birth family, a foster family often comes to know them as human beings who make human mistakes and are often less fearful of sharing the child with them. This can make it easier for the foster family to find ways to help the child remain connected with their birth family after adoption. There are circumstances, however, when it is not in the child's best interest to remain in contact with members of their birth family. This decision should be made with the input of the child's case worker, counselors, and the child's foster family.


A child who has been removed from their birth home will usually grieve the loss of all of the familiar sights, sounds, and touches that to them meant home. When taken from their birth home they had to leave friends, schools, teachers, extracurricular activities, and even pets that were important parts of their life. When a foster family chooses to adopt their foster child, the child can feel secure that they will not have to leave what has become to them their new life with all of its familiar sights, sounds and touches that together makes up their new family.


There are certain traits and characteristics of a foster family that experts have learned can either make a foster parent adoption a success or a failure. Here are some characteristics of a foster family which will often predetermine whether or not the adoption will be successful:


*These families like to give help.

*They are satisfied with their lives.

*They are resourceful.

*They are tolerant of loss, anxiety, and ambiguity.

*They have a sense of humor.

*They are involved with the child in the community.


Experts have found that foster families that have a successful adoption often have had the child in their home for a longer period of time than foster families who choose not to adopt. Foster families who enjoyed their child and were actively involved with them were also more likely to have a successful adoption. Foster families who managed to have some acceptance of the positive attributes of the child's birth family were able to talk with the child about these attributes. This quality is also important for a successful foster adoption. Experts have also discovered that foster families who successfully adopt their foster child often percieve the child to be similar to themselves in some way.

Child welfare experts identified characteristics of foster families who did not adopt successfully:

*Unresolved losses in the past and present, resulting in a need to revisit past relationships and an inability to meet the child's needs
*Possessiveness of the child and an unwillingness to acknowledge and work with important people from the child's past
*Desperation for a child, resulting in unrealistic expectations of foster care and adoption
*High stress and anxiety levels
*Aggressiveness
*Power and control issues

A study of foster families in the early 1980s found that the foster families in the adoptions that failed were rigid and did not allow for changes easily. They might have had difficulty sharing parenting with the agency or the birth families. These families were poorly prepared for adoption and did not have open communication or an open relationship with their social worker. Some families felt coerced by their worker into agreeing to adopt the child. These families also experienced more worker turnovers than the families who were successful in their adoptions

The decision by a foster family to adopt a child in their care will be based on the unique factors associated with the child, family, and circumstances. To help with such decision-making, many States use mutual, informed decision-making in their training for foster/adoptive parents. Examples of training programs include the Model Approach to Partnership in Parenting (MAPP) (Pasztor, 1986) and Parent Resources for Information, Development, and Education (PRIDE) (Child Welfare League of America, n.d.).

Foster families who decide to pursue adoption should inform themselves as much as possible and work with their agency to ensure a smooth transition for the child and themselves. Successful foster parent adoptions are the result of a mutual decision by the foster parents and the agency about what is best for a specific child.

To view original article, click on title of post.


Sunday, August 10, 2008

Another Child Taken Into Child Protective Services

Couple charged with abuse for leaving boy, 11, locked up

DAVID L. TEIBEL Tucson Citizen


A Northwest Side woman and her live-in boyfriend have been released from jail on child abuse charges in connection, deputies said, with locking the woman's 11-year-old son in his room while the couple was out.

The boy's room was locked from the outside, there were bars on the window and he was left with a jug of water, a sandwich, a roll of toilet paper and a bucket in which to relieve himself, said Deputy Dawn Hanke, a sheriff's spokeswoman.
"The room itself reeked of feces and urine, leaving it nearly unbearable," Hanke said.
There was a small fan in the room, but no ventilation, Hanke said.

Norma Barrientos, 29, and Nicholas Geisel, 31, of the 7200 block of North Magic Place, near West Ina Road and North La Cholla Boulevard, were each arrested on suspicion of child abuse.
At an initial court appearance Saturday, Barrientos and Geisel were ordered released to the supervision of the Pima County Superior Court's Pretrial Services program.

Deputies went to the home, Hanke said, after the boy got access to a cell phone and called 911 about 9:45 a.m. Saturday.
When deputies got there they found the boy locked in his room, Hanke said. He would not have been able to get out of the home in an emergency, such as a fire, she said.

Barrientos told deputies her son has attention deficit hyper-activity disorder, Hanke said. Barrientos said she and her boyfriend were at work Saturday morning and locking her son up was the only alternative when they were away, Hanke said.

The boy has been placed in the care of state Child Protective Services workers, Hanke said.

It never ceases to amaze and appall me when I hear the excuses that people give to justify abuse. Locking up a child because he has ADHD?! I have a feeling that is only an excuse and not the real reason behind why they locked him up. At any rate, he has been removed from their home and with any luck he will soon be living in a loving foster home. Hopefully his mom will now get the help she needs to learn how to treat her child with respect and love, not like an animal, and that this family will be able to reunite someday.

To see original article, click on title of post

Friday, August 8, 2008

From Allegations To Permanent Placement

When I first became a foster mom, I was very uneducated on even the most basic understanding of how the foster system works. I am sure I am not the only one who has found themselves in that situation, so I thought I would try and write a basic outline of what happens from the time a child's home and family is first investigated on allegations of child abuse or neglect.

Let's start at the beginning. What does the word "foster" mean? Foster means to help someone (or something) grow and develop. to foster also means to take care of some one's needs. When a mom or dad is suspected of being abusive either physically, sexually, emotionally or is being neglectful, the state has to step in and do an investigation of what is happening in that home. If it is decided that it is unsafe for the child to remain in that home, then the state will remove the child and place them in another home where they will be safe.

In order to determine which home a child can be placed in, the state conducts a background check on everyone in the potential new foster family. The state also will have to inspect the home. If it is determined that the people are okay to be named as foster parents, that they have no criminal charges against them in their past, then they have to take training that will help them learn how to deal with many of the problems that a foster child may have. If the state decides that the home is safe for the child, then the child is placed as a foster child into the new foster home.

At first, a child living with a new family can be very intimidating to the child. There are new people to get to know and new rules of the particular family to learn. There will probably also be a new school to go to. There may be many mixed emotions within the foster child. They may feel safe and more relaxed due to living in a more quiet and "normal" family environment. They may feel safe and happy that their foster parents are loving and nurturing, but at the same time, they may feel sad and worried about what is going to happen to their mom or dad. They often constantly worry over what is going to happen next and may even go through periods of time when they are very angry over the whole situation. This is why it is important that the foster family has had some training so they have some idea how to deal with the added stress and confusion that often comes with the arrival of a foster child into their home.

When a child is removed from their home and placed in foster care, they are immediately assigned a caseworker. It is the caseworker's job to determine what needs to be done to make it possible to reunite the child with his or her real family. Everything possible is done to help the child's mom or dad understand what is needed from them in order for their child to be returned home. This is usually the outcome, but sometimes it is decided that it just won't be possible for the child to return home. In those cases, the child may remain in foster care or they may go and live with a relative. If the situation gets to the point where the child's mom or dad's parental rights are terminated, then the child can be adopted or a family can assume guardianship of the child. Sometimes, a child will simply remain in foster care until he or she is old enough to move out and live on their own.

Whatever the final outcome, the whole process, from removing the child until the state makes its final decision, can be extremely stressful on everyone involved. This is why I began this sight in the first place. It is so important that foster parents have someone to talk to about the issues they are dealing with. It is important to find a support system right away. Your foster child is going to need you at your best to help him or her through the many issues that will be faced. You will also need to have enough training and help and support so that you feel confident that you are going to be able to meet the many needs of not only your foster child, but the needs of yourself as well.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Shaken Baby Syndrome

How does a human being become so angry at a helpless, tiny baby that in order to get her to stop crying, the baby is picked up and shaken. If the baby does stop crying as a result of the shaking, it is most likely because the child's brain has been damaged. Maybe angry isn't the correct word. Perhaps desperation is a more accurate description. If we were all to be honest, we would have to admit that dealing with a baby that simply will not stop crying is truly a test of the depth of our love and patience. And I believe that the word "desperation" is one that comes to many of our minds as we think of moments when our own precious babies nearly drove us to the edge of sanity by their ceaseless crying.

Unfortunately, when that moment of desperation takes over, too many people resort to shaking their babies in a futile attempt to stop the crying. The following is a news report which talks about shaken baby syndrome. I thought it was worth posting for everyone to read. To watch the video that goes with this news article, click on the title of this post.


WWAY NewsChannel 3
abc
Submitted by WWAY on 5 August 2008 - 5:05pm.


We have been following the case of an 18-year-old Wilmington woman, Meagan Stuhan charged in the death of her four-month-old son.

He died of internal injuries consistent with shaken baby syndrome.


According to New Hanover Regional Medical Center shaken baby syndrome is the most common form of child abuse in children 6-months-old and younger.

Hospital personnel say some parents shake their babies to try and get them to stop crying, but even the smallest shake could be deadly.

Pediatric coordinator, Mary Beth Koehler, has seen frustration over a crying baby turn into abuse. She says many parents do not know that shaking a baby, even a little, can cause bleeding in the brain.

She says to prevent abuse from occurring, New Hanover Regional Medical Center educates all new parents on ways to cope with a crying newborn.

Research showed a program like this was needed.

"Before they started this initiative they called people in the state of North Carolina and asked and it was mostly moms who answered the phone, 'Do you shake your baby as a matter of discipline,' and they said 'yes', by and large a huge amount," said Koehler.

Koehler says if your baby's crying becomes too much, put the baby in a safe place, then try to calm down before your actions cause any harm.

She also recommends calling a friend to help watch the baby for a while.

Do what ever you need to do to de-stress, but most importantly never shake the child, and know that sometimes you are not going to be able to make the baby stop crying.

For more information, please visit dontshake.org.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Hard Times Are coming!


We've had the flu bug going through our house this past week. My grandson brought it home from his mom's boyfriend's house. So far, only my grandson and my daughter (his mom) have gotten it. I hope no one else has to suffer through it, but you know how the flu is!

A. is now only getting to see her real mom once a month. She doesn't talk much about it, but I know it is hard for her. For some reason, the Agency also changed the sib visits from once a month to every other month but went from only one hour to two hours. Things are winding down and mom's termination should be happening in October. I don't know what types of issues that will bring to all of us, but I am trying to prepare for some hard times. I'm not sure you can be prepared for such emotional issues. This is my first time going through anything like this. Maybe some of you who have been doing this for awhile can tell me what to most likely expect from A. when the final verdict comes in that termination is final and she will never be going home to live with mom ever again.

When we took A. and her sister into our home 3 years ago, I never dreamed it would go this far. I was sure that mom would figure out what the system wanted from her and she would do whatever she needed to do and her kids would be home within a year. She almost made it once. She was just 2 weeks away from having her youngest baby go home, but as usual, she messed up. From that time on, she has not been able to get her life together. It is actually quite mind boggeling when you hear some of the things that these moms do, knowing that the fate of their children are hanging in the balance. I guess these moms have problems of their own and most of them come from abusive situations themselves and have never learned how to be a proper mother.

I don't hate A.'s mom for being how she is, I do know about her past. I find it extremely sad when I think of the cycle of abuse that so many families have had to live with for years, sometimes even generations. I only hope that A. is able to break that cycle for herself and for her future family. I can only pray.

Plant City Abuse Case 'Worst I've Ever Seen'

Investigator: Plant City Abuse Case 'Worst I've Ever Seen'
By LANE DeGREGORYST. PETERSBURG TIMES
Published: Sunday, August 3, 2008 at 12:01 a.m. Last Modified: Monday, August 4, 2008 at 12:10 a.m.

PLANT CITY The family had lived in the rundown rental house for almost three years when someone first saw a child's face in the window.

MELISSA LYTTLE ST. PETERSBURG TIMES


A little girl, pale, with dark eyes, lifted a dirty blanket above the broken glass and peered out, one neighbor remembered.
Everyone knew a woman lived in the house with her boyfriend and two adult sons. But they had never seen a child there, had never noticed anyone playing in the overgrown yard.
The girl looked young, 5 or 6, and thin. Too thin. Her cheeks seemed sunken; her eyes were lost.
The child stared into the square of sunlight, then slipped away.
Months went by. The face never reappeared.
Just before noon on July 13, 2005, a Plant City police car pulled up outside that shattered window. Two officers went into the house - and one stumbled back out.
Clutching his stomach, the rookie retched in the weeds.
Plant City Detective Mark Holste had been on the force for 18 years when he and his young partner were sent to the house on Old Sydney Road to stand by during a child-abuse investigation. Someone had finally called the police.
They found a car parked outside. The driver's door was open and a woman was slumped over in her seat, sobbing. She was an investigator for the Florida Department of Children and Families.
"Unbelievable," she told Holste. "The worst I've ever seen."
The police officers walked through the front door, into a cramped living room.
"I've been in rooms with bodies rotting there for a week and it never stunk that bad," Holste said later. "There's just no way to describe it. Urine and feces - dog, cat and human excrement - smeared on the walls, mashed into the carpet. Everything dank and rotting."
There were so many roaches that "It sounded like you were walking on eggshells. You couldn't take a step without crunching German cockroaches," the detective said. "They were in the lights, in the furniture. Even inside the freezer. The freezer!"
While Holste looked around, a stout woman in a faded housecoat demanded to know what was going on. Yes, she lived there. Yes, those were her two sons in the living room. Her daughter? Well, yes, she had a daughter …
The detective strode past her, down a narrow hall. He turned the handle on a door, which opened into a space the size of a walk-in closet. He squinted in the dark.
At his feet, something stirred.
SHOCKING DISCOVERY
First he saw the girl's eyes: dark and wide, unfocused, unblinking. She wasn't looking at him so much as through him.
She lay on a torn, moldy mattress on the floor. She was curled on her side, long legs tucked into her emaciated chest. Her ribs and collarbone jutted out; one skinny arm was slung over her face; her black hair was matted, crawling with lice. Insect bites, rashes and sores pocked her skin. Though she looked old enough to be in school, she was naked - except for a swollen diaper.
"The pile of dirty diapers in that room must have been 4 feet high," the detective said. "The glass in the window had been broken, and that child was just lying there, surrounded by her own excrement and bugs."
Holste picked her up and asked, "What's your name, honey?" The girl didn't seem to hear.
He searched for clothes to dress her, but found only balled-up laundry, flecked with feces. He looked for a toy, a doll, a stuffed animal. "But the only ones I found were covered in maggots and roaches."
Choking back rage, he approached the mother. How could you let this happen?
"The mother's statement was: 'I'm doing the best I can,'" the detective said. "I told her, 'The best you can (stinks)!'"
He wanted to arrest the woman right then, but when he called his boss, he was told to let DCF do its own investigation.
So the detective carried the girl down the dim hall, past her brothers, past her mother in the doorway, who was shrieking, "Don't take my baby!" He buckled the child into the state investigator's car. The investigator agreed: They had to get the girl out of there.
"Radio ahead to Tampa General," the detective remembers telling his partner. "If this child doesn't get to a hospital, she's not going to make it."
ALMOST 7 AND TINY
Her name, her mother had said, was Danielle. She was almost 7 years old.
She weighed 46 pounds. She was malnourished and anemic. In the pediatric intensive care unit they tried to feed the girl, but she couldn't chew or swallow solid food. So they put her on an IV and let her drink from a bottle.
Her caseworker determined that she had never been to school, had never seen a doctor. She didn't know how to hold a doll, didn't understand peek-a-boo. "Due to the severe neglect," a doctor would write, "the child will be disabled for the rest of her life."
Hunched in an oversized crib, Danielle curled in on herself like a potato bug, then writhed angrily, kicking and thrashing. To calm herself, she batted at her toes and sucked her fists. "Like an infant," one doctor wrote.
She wouldn't make eye contact. She didn't react to heat or cold - or pain. The insertion of an IV needle elicited no reaction. She never cried. With a nurse holding her hands, she could stand and walk sideways on her toes, like a crab. She couldn't talk, didn't know how to nod yes or no. Once in a while she grunted.
Dr. Kathleen Armstrong, director of pediatric psychology at the University of South Florida medical school, was the first psychologist to examine Danielle. She said medical tests, brain scans, and vision, hearing and genetics checks found nothing wrong with the child. She wasn't deaf, wasn't autistic, had no physical ailments such as cerebral palsy or muscular dystrophy.
But whatever makes a person human seemed somehow missing.
Armstrong called the girl's condition "environmental autism." Danielle had been deprived of interaction for so long, the doctor thought, that she had withdrawn into herself.
FERAL CHILD
The authorities had discovered the rarest and most pitiable of creatures: a feral child.
The term is not a diagnosis. It comes from historic accounts - some fictional, some true - of children raised by animals and therefore not exposed to human nurturing. Wolf boys and bird girls, Tarzan, Mowgli from The Jungle Book.
"In the first five years of life, 85 percent of the brain is developed," said Armstrong, the psychologist who examined Danielle. "Those early relationships, more than anything else, help wire the brain and provide children with the experience to trust, to develop language, to communicate. They need that system to relate to the world."
The most recent case of a feral child was in 1970, in California. A girl whom therapists came to call Genie had been strapped to a potty chair until she was 13. Like the Wild Boy, Genie was studied in hospitals and laboratories. She was in her 20s when doctors realized she'd never talk, never be able to take care of herself. She ended up in foster care, closed off from the world, utterly dependent.
Danielle's case - which unfolded out of the public spotlight, without a word in the media - raised disturbing questions for everyone trying to help her. How could this have happened? What kind of mother would sit by year after year while her daughter languished in her own filth, starving and crawling with bugs?
And why hadn't someone intervened? The neighbors, the authorities - where had they been?
But the most pressing questions were about her future.
When Danielle was discovered, she was younger by six years than Genie, giving hope that she might yet be teachable. Many of her caregivers had high hopes they could make her whole.
Danielle had probably missed the chance to learn speech, but maybe she could come to understand language, to communicate in other ways.
WHAT OF HER FUTURE?
Danielle spent six weeks at Tampa General before she was well enough to leave. But where could she go? Not home; Judge Martha Cook, who oversaw her dependency hearing, ordered that Danielle be placed in foster care and that her mother not be allowed to call or visit her. The mother was being investigated on criminal child-abuse charges.
Eventually, Danielle was placed in a group home in Land O'Lakes.
In October 2005, a couple of weeks after she turned 7, Danielle started school for the first time. She was placed in a special ed class at Sanders Elementary.
"Her behavior was different than any child I'd ever seen," said Kevin O'Keefe, Danielle's first teacher. "If you put food anywhere near her, she'd grab it" and mouth it like a baby, he said. "She had a lot of episodes of great agitation, yelling, flailing her arms, rolling into a fetal position. She'd curl up in a closet, just to be away from everyone."
By Thanksgiving 2006 - a year and a half after Danielle had gone into foster care - her caseworker was thinking about finding her a permanent home.
That fall, Panacek decided to include Danielle in the Heart Gallery - a set of portraits depicting children available for adoption. The Children's Board displays the pictures in malls and on the Internet in hopes that people will fall in love with the children and take them home. In Hillsborough alone, 600 kids are available for adoption. Who, Panacek wondered, would choose an 8-year-old who was still in diapers, who didn't know her own name and might not ever speak or let you hug her?
COUPLE OVERWHELMED
Bernie and Diane Lierow remember standing silently inside GameWorks in Tampa, overwhelmed. They had driven three hours from their home in Fort Myers Beach, hoping to meet a child at this foster-care event.
But all these kids seemed too wild, too big and, well, too worldly.
Bernie, 48, remodels houses. Diane, 45, cleans homes. On the Internet they had found a girl in Texas, another in Georgia. Each time they were told, "That one is dangerous. She can't be with other children."
That's why they were at this Heart Gallery gathering, scanning the crowd.
Diane stepped out of the chaos, into an alcove beneath the stairs. That was when she saw it. A little girl's face on a flier, pale with sunken cheeks and dark hair chopped too short. Her brown eyes seemed to be searching for something.
Diane called Bernie over. He saw the same thing she did. "She just looked like she needed us."
They had everything they ever wanted, they said. Except for a daughter.
But the more they asked about Danielle, the more they didn't want to know.
She was 8, but functioned as a 2-year-old. She had been left alone in a dank room, ignored for most of her life.
They couldn't forget those aching eyes.
When they met Danielle at her school, she was drooling. Her tongue hung from her mouth. Her head, which seemed too big for her thin neck, lolled side to side.
Diane walked over and spoke to her softly. Danielle didn't seem to notice. But when Bernie bent down, Danielle turned toward him and her eyes seemed to focus.
He held out his hand. She let him pull her to her feet. Danielle's teacher, Kevin O'Keefe, was amazed; he hadn't seen her warm up to anyone so quickly.
Bernie led Danielle to the playground, she pulling sideways and prancing on her tiptoes. She squinted in the sunlight but let him push her gently on the swing. When it was time for them to part, Bernie swore he saw Danielle wave.
That night, he had a dream. Two giant hands slid through his bedroom ceiling, the fingers laced together. Danielle was swinging on those hands, her dark eyes wide, thin arms reaching for him.
IGNORED ADVICE
Everyone told them not to do it, neighbors, co-workers, friends. Everyone said they didn't know what they were getting into.
So what if Danielle is not everything we hoped for? Bernie and Diane answered. You can't pre-order your own kids. You take what God gives you.
They brought her home on Easter weekend 2007. It was supposed to be a rebirth, of sorts - a baptism into their family.
"It was a disaster," Bernie said.
They gave her a doll; she bit off its hands. They took her to the beach; she screamed and wouldn't put her feet in the sand. Back at her new home, she tore from room to room, her swim diaper spewing streams across the carpet.
She couldn't peel the wrapper from a chocolate egg, so she ate the shiny paper too. She couldn't sit still to watch TV or look at a book. She couldn't hold a crayon. When they tried to brush her teeth or comb her hair, she kicked and thrashed. She wouldn't lie in a bed, wouldn't go to sleep, just rolled on her back, side to side, for hours.
All night she kept popping up, creeping sideways on her toes into the kitchen.
When Bernie tried to guide her back to bed, Danielle railed against him and bit her own hands.
GRADUAL PROGRESS
In time, Danielle's new family learned what worked and what didn't. Her foster family had been giving her antipsychotic drugs to mitigate her temper tantrums and to help her sleep. When Bernie and Diane weaned her off the medication, she stopped drooling and started holding up her head. She let Bernie brush her teeth.
Bernie and Diane already thought of Danielle as their daughter, but legally she wasn't. Danielle's birth mother did not want to give her up even though she had been charged with child abuse and faced 20 years in prison. So prosecutors offered a deal: If she waived her parental rights, they wouldn't send her to jail.
She took the plea. She was given two years of house arrest, plus probation. And 100 hours of community service.
In October 2007, Bernie and Diane officially adopted Danielle. They call her Dani.
BIG CHANGES
It's an overcast Monday morning in spring 2008 and Dani is late for school. Again. She keeps flitting around the living room, ducking behind chairs and sofas, pulling at her shorts.
After a year with her new family, Dani scarcely resembles the girl in the Heart Gallery photo. She has grown a foot and her weight has doubled.
All those years she was kept inside, her hair was as dark as the dirty room she lived in. But since she started going to the beach and swimming in their backyard pool, Dani's shoulder-length hair has turned a golden blond. She still shrieks when anyone tries to brush it.
The changes in her behavior are subtle, but Bernie and Diane see progress.
She's learning right from wrong, they say. And she seems upset when she knows she has disappointed them. As if she cares how they feel.
Her father hopes, one day, she might be able to call him "Daddy," to get married or at least to live on her own. But if that doesn't happen, he says, "That's OK, too. For me, it's all about getting the kisses and the hugs."
For now, Bernie and Diane are content to give Dani what she never had before: comfort and stability, attention and affection.
MOTHER'S STORY
She's out there somewhere, looming over Danielle's story like a ghost. To Bernie and Diane, Danielle's birth mother is a cipher, almost never spoken of. The less said, the better. As far as they are concerned, Danielle was born the day they found her. And yet this unimaginable woman is out there somewhere.
None of this makes any sense without her.
Michelle Crockett lives in a mobile home in Plant City with her two 20-something sons, three cats and a closet full of kittens.
She's tall and stout, with broad shoulders and the sallow skin of a smoker. She looks tired, older than her 51 years.
"My daughter?" she asks. "You want to talk about my daughter?" Her voice catches. Tears pool in her glasses.
The inside of the trailer is modest but clean: dishes drying on the counter, silk flowers on the table. Sitting in her kitchen, chain-smoking 305s, she starts at the end: the day the detective took Danielle.
"Part of me died that day," she says.
Michelle had two sons at a young age. Her husband, a Vietnam veteran, died from Agent Orange in 1997.
Six months later, she met a man in a casino. He was in Vegas on business. She went back to his hotel room with him.
"His name was Ron," she says. She shakes her head. "No, it was Bob. I think it was Bob."
For hours Michelle Crockett spins out her story, tapping ashes into a plastic ashtray. Everything she says sounds like a plea, but for what? Understanding? Sympathy? She doesn't apologize. Far from it. She feels wronged.
Danielle, she says, was born in a hospital in Las Vegas, a healthy baby who weighed 7 pounds, 6 ounces.
Between then and the child's removal from Plant City, there were child-abuse investigations and documents. Somehow, incredibly, nothing was done. Michelle seems to have felt helpless to care for the unusual child, and to have quit trying.
'IS SHE OK?'
She says she misses Danielle.
"Have you seen her?" Michelle asks. "Is she OK?"
Danielle is better than anyone dared hope. She has learned to look at people and let herself be held. She can chew ham. She can swim. She's tall and blond and has a little belly. She knows her name is Dani.
In her new room, she has a window she can look out of. When she wants to see outside, all she has to do is raise her arms and her dad is right behind her, waiting to pick her up.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Room In The Heart

I did not write this article. I came across it and wanted to share it with everyone. It has some great insight into the lives of foster kids and their families. To view the originial article, click on the title of this post.
Published: August 01, 2008 10:41 pm
Room in the heartBeth StephensonThe Edmond Sun
EDMOND — A little more than ten years ago, several of our friends from church had recently adopted children through the foster care system in El Paso County, Colo. We were interested ourselves, since we had one girl and six boys and there was a four-year space between the last two. If we could help a little girl and fill the hole in the age line up of our children, it would be perfect. We had finished the paperwork and evaluations and were waiting for a placement.

One family of our friends had a boy and three girls and wanted another little brother. They had marked that they were open to the possibility of two little boys and before long, a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old were placed with them. They had concerns about reactive attachment disorder with the older boy. I remember taking my noisy child out of the church meeting and hearing a child screaming at the top of his lungs in a classroom. I opened the door to see what was going on and saw the new dad calmly holding his 3-year-old son tightly in his arms while the child screamed and writhed. If I hadn’t known that one of the most effective therapies for attachment disorders is holding therapy, I would have been alarmed.

When a child is neglected or bounced around from one caregiver to another, even left too much in a car seat carrier, they often fail to attach emotionally. They feel unprotected and out of control. Holding therapy is done by the parent holding them tightly in their arms for a specified period of time. The tight holding often brings on a tantrum, but the parent doesn’t relinquish them until they are calm and the time has elapsed. It’s grueling for both the parent and child, but they learn that the adult is in control. They learn to relinquish their self-preservation instincts into the guardianship of the adult and they become emotionally secure.

Another family of our friends had four children and wanted one more. They signed up through the foster adopt program for a newborn, knowing that drugs or alcohol might have damaged the unborn baby. Their little girl was the sixth child of the birth mother who had a drug problem and relinquished her rights easily. She knew she wasn’t capable of caring for the little girl. The child is bright and lively and looks so much like her adoptive siblings that nobody would ever guess that she is not biologically related. She shows no signs of drug or alcohol damage.

Another little girl came into the foster care program at age 6. She had been seriously neglected but at first, the adoption seemed perfect. When she neared her teens, however, she developed serious emotional problems suggesting that more damage had been done to her than first thought. Counseling seemed to ease her pain to some degree.

About the time all this was going on with my friends, I heard a radio show about children waiting for families in foster care. They interviewed a woman who grew up in foster care and she told how she would pack a little brown suitcase and go sit on the curb, watching and waiting for a family to come to adopt her. She would imagine that each car that turned the corner was coming for her. Though her foster family was not unkind to her, she wanted a real home and a real family that she could keep forever. Like a spinster hoping for a husband, she knew that the older she got, the less likely she would be adopted. She never was and became an advocate for the foster adopt program.

I have a friend who grew up in foster care here in Oklahoma. Her mother was dark complexioned with brown eyes and so was my friend’s younger sister. My friend was blue-eyed and blond like her father. Her mother often told her that nobody wanted her because she was so ugly with her white skin. When her father was deployed out of the country, her mother left the little girls in the care of her husband’s parents and moved to another state, never to make contact again. The grandparents moved the children to foster care a little later. The first home lasted about three years but when DHS learned that the foster father had molested the children, they were moved to a new foster home.

My friend is extremely artistic and highly intelligent. She remembers the years in foster care saying, “I remember that my second foster family let me cook once in a while. Sometimes she would let me make a cake. They took me to their church, but they didn’t live their religion very well.” I asked her if she felt that either of her foster families loved her and she said she didn’t think so. She was with them both for several years.

When she turned 18, she was out of the foster care system, but she had no family to launch her into adulthood. She married an extremely controlling and abusive man, had two children that learned from their father and lives in poverty as a widow. She has a master’s degree in fine art, but so little confidence in herself that she can’t seem to break out of the cycle of need she lives in.

Are you the type of person who has enough love to help a child who needs you? Do you have room in your home and heart for a child? The information is online at the Department of Human Services website. It won’t hurt to find out.

BETH STEPHENSON is an Edmond resident.

Friday, August 1, 2008

That Was A Short Night!


I'm up at 7:30 this morning while my grandson is asleep on my bed. He had me and his grandpa up for a couple hours last night as he decided he wanted to cry for that long. His mom has to be up at 5:30 for work so grandma and grandpa "volunteered" to try to get him to go back to sleep. but he didn't want to eat, he didn't need changed, he didn't seem to be hurting, he just seemed to want to cry, loudly, pitifully, and for a very long time. He did finally calm down when grandpa turned on the water in the sink. That is a lot of fun, putting your hands under the running water and then making the water spray everywhere! I finally heard him laughing a little bit, until the water got turned off because grandpa's arms were getting tired. More crying until grandpa was able to get him involved with playing with some of his cars. Things are kind of blurry from there. I remember him climbing into our bed and more crying, mom coming in thinking maybe he wanted her which did not turn out to help, finally, sometime later which I don't have a clue as to how long anything took, he finally fell asleep cuddled up to grandpa. There was some point where it was decided that maybe something was hurting or sore or something so we gave him some Tylenol, hoping that would help him get to sleep. I think that is what finally took over in the end.

So, I'm tired, grandson is asleep, and I have a day ahead of me with a pre-teen foster child, my own 15 year old attitude son, and a cranky, tired grandson. Wish me luck, or if you are so inclined, pray for me. I could use all the help I can get today!