ADVICE NEEDED: FOSTER CHILD AND LYING

When my husband and I took in our foster daughter, we were not actively seeking to be a foster family. We had known this girl and her family for several years so when the Child Welfare Agency removed this 10 year old girl from her mother's care, the mother requested that we take her in. We were officially named as God Parents so that we could be considered a Relative Foster Family. At that point, we were able to take A. into our home as our foster daughter.

We had no idea what we were in for because we had never looked into, nor studied in any way, what was necessary to be a successful foster family. This 10 year old girl came into our home with all of the usual problems that we have come to understand are common for many foster kids. She saw way too much of the raunchy side of life while she was growing up those first 9 years of her life. She was the "mom" in her family. "Mom" to her little sister and also to her own mom. Then she was sexually abused by one of her mom's boyfriends at age 9. By the time she came to our home, she was a mess.

We took her in thinking we could just take care of her the same as we had taken care of and raised our own 3 biological children. Wrong!!! We quickly learned that this girl that we had taken in and grown to love was not able to think in what we call a "normal" way. She can not process normal day to day reality in the same way we do. Her mom had been severely abused as a young girl and had never bonded to any adult as a child. As a result, she now has what is referred to as "Attachment Disorder". One of the ways people with this disorder learn to cope with life is through constant lieing. Unfortunately, as A. lived with her mom for the first 9 years of her life, she learned how to lie and manipulate just like her mom.

We now do not know when A. is telling us a lie or the truth! We have zero trust in her. She lies about little things and big things. Our fear is that she is only 13 years old. Her teen years are just beginning, which are hard in the best of circumstances. She has already shown extreme interest in boys and in babies. She has asked us what we would do if she came home at age 14, pregnant. What would we do? Would we let her raise the baby? Could she still live with us?

My head spins when I think of what we may be facing in the next few years. We don't feel like we can ever trust her. We don't even leave her alone when we go to the grocery store. I can't see a time when I will ever want her in our house alone, at any age. I fear She will go through our room and personal things. She has already smoked so I imagine she will try that again if given the opportunity. There are just so many ways I can't trust her I can't list them all here. I want so much to just give up and let her move to another foster home. Yet I keep putting it off. I don't know why because I am pretty sure she will not change and our lives are in for some extremely tough times.

Is that selfish of me? I just want my life to return some sense of normalicy. We weren't looking for this, we just stepped in to try and help a family out because we knew them. Now we don't know which way to turn. I am hoping that someone who reads this will have experienced the same feelings and similar experiences that our family has. What can we do about our foster daughter's lieing? What sort of punishments are appropriate for her, that will actually help her to see how damaging her lies are? We have tried several different things but she doesn't seem to learn from anything. She seems to just blow off everything we try to teach her about life. If A. wants to do something, she will do it regardless of whether or not we have already told her not to do it. '

I am really hoping to get a response from someone who has been through fostering a child who lies frequently. We need advice or I fear I am going to give up. If I can't help A., then why is she at our home? She needs to be somewhere where there are people who can get through to her. Is there such a place? Our case worker told us that 75% of all foster homes in our area are considered bad foster homes. That is pretty scary. How can I let A. go when I know the chances of her winding up in a "bad" foster home is so great? Yet, how can I continue on with her in my home when I am so at the end of my tolerance?

Any advice out there?

1st Appearance Not Too Bad After All!

The 1st appearance wasn't bad after all. It took approiximately 20 minutes for the judge to read through the list of legal mumbo-jumbo and to set the date for the "answer" appearance. We were told that the foster kids had to be present, but when we got there they were only allowed to be in the court room for about 5 minutes while the judge made sure they were there and then they were told they needed to leave and wait in the hallway. ????? I did not understand that one. But at least the 1st appearance is done and we on our way to the 2nd one which is in about 1 month. It seems like these things take forever. It's been almost 4 years now and these last few steps could take another year to be over with. I need to learn how to take things day by day and just be happy that things seem to be going the right direction. I sure will be glad when this is all finished though!

1st Appearance

Tomorrow is bio mom's "1st appearance". Our case worker told us that the foster kids would not have to be present at this appearance, but the paper work said otherwise. So the kids have to go. I don't understand why. This is new for us so I don't know what to expect. I hope it is short and uneventful. I'm told this is the time when the "dads" can show up (if they are going to.) I hope no dads show up. They have not been in these kids lives for most of four years and in my opinion don't deserve to show up all of a sudden and be given any rights to these kids. I'll just have to hope and pray that our roller coaster ride doesn't decide to begin again tomorrow.

The Beginning Of The End Of The Ride

Well, it is almost time for another stress filled day as court day approaches. We are now well into our 4th year of foster parenting our beautiful foster daughter A. She is now 13 and well on her way to becomming a beautiful young lady. As court day approaches every 6 months, we all hold our breaths because we all know that in the past this moment that comes twice each year always brings with it some unexpected event that often drives A. into a complete panic. You see, as with most foster children, she loves her mom more than life itself, and she would love nothing more than to be able to go home with her siblings and be a family again. But she also knows that this is not going to happen and she simply is not able to process all of her emotions in a healthy way. She has ridden this 4 year roller coaster ride with us over and over again and we all just want to get off and dismantle the ride and figure out how to dispose of it completely.

I wish I could better understand why it is taking the "powers that be" so long to terminate this mom's parental rights. She has been at that magical "24" for a year now and we keep being told that it is only a matter of time before termination papers will be filed. I wonder if anyone but foster families understand how hard it can be on a foster child to be in a state of limbo for this many years? I can't imagine being a child and hoping beyond all hope that something will happen, a miracle perhaps, that will make it possible for that child to go back to her/his biological parent, yet knowing that it will never happen. The struggle of emotions must be so impossibly overwhelming at times! Our foster daugher has told me that at times she feels like she is going crazy. I'm not in her shoes, but as her foster mom, I can understand a bit of what she means. This whole foster system, though badly needed and yet badly understaffed, seems to be a mess and I simply don't understand why the final decision can take years for some, yet last only a few months for others. When a biological parent is so consistently unable to make good decisions that would keep a child safe, and in fact her bad decisions have already resulted in one of her children being very badly hurt by a boy friend, it seems logical that termination would happen quickly so that the children could get past this horrible part of their lives as quickly as possible and get on with their new, safer lives. Especially when the children all have nice, loving, clean, safe, and nurturing foster homes where the families all want to adopt as soon as termination happens.

I guess I have no influence on the length of this roller coaster ride. I can only try to make the ups and downs as level as possible. Who knows, maybe this month will be the one that is finally the beginning of the end of the ride!

TAKE A STAND!

Poem by Geoffrey Canada
Posted by Gjenifer Stark on June 17, 2009 at 2:22pm

TAKE A STAND

Maybe before we didn’t know,
That Corey is afraid to goTo school,
the store, to roller skate.
He cries a lot for a boy of eight.
But now we know each day its true
That other girls and boys cry too.
They cry for us to lend a hand.
Time for us to take a stand.
And little Maria’s window screens
Keeps out flies and other things.
But she knows to duck her head,
When she prays each night ‘fore bed.
Because in the window comes some things
That shatter little children-dreams.
For some, the hourglass is out of sand.
Time for us to take a stand.
And Charlie’s deepest, secret wishes,
Is someone to smother him with kisses
And squeeze and hug him tight, so tight,
While he pretends to put up a fight.
Or at least someone to be at home,
Who misses him, he’s so alone.
Who allowed this child-forsaken land?
Look in the mirror and take a stand.
And on the Sabbath, when we pray,
To our God we often say,
“Oh Jesus, Mohammed, Abraham,
I come to better understand,
How to learn to love and give,
And live the life you taught to live.”
In faith we must join hand in hand.
Suffer the children? Take the stand!
And tonight, some child will go to bed,
No food, no place to lay their head.
No hand to hold, no lap to sit,
To give slobbery kisses, from slobbery lips.
So you and I we must succeed
In this crusade, this holy deed,
To say to the children in this land:
Have hope. We’re here. We take a stand!



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