I Guess I Get An "F" For Having A Positive Attitude Today!

Yesterday may have began quiet and peaceful, but as usual it didn't remain that way. I won't go into details but suffice it to say that a dresser ended up being knocked over and everything on top of it fell off and most of it was broken. This WAS an accident. But it made me jump out of my skin when I heard the crash. After finding out that everybody was unharmed, I went back to what I was doing, wondering why my life in particular had to be so much like a wild roller coaster ride. What in the world did I do wrong as I walked along my individual path of growing up that placed me in the unpredictable life that I now live?

THIS morning did not begin quiet and peaceful. I took one look at my foster daughter as she was getting ready to walk out of the door to go to school and I noticed that her face looked peculiarly plastic-like. Our rule is that she does not yet have permission to wear make-up. We have been through this before. I asked her if she had on make-up and she immediately went into her defensive mode and said "no, this is the way my eyes look normally, I promise!" I just kept looking at her face and she slowly began to stutter something about the only make-up she had on was a little cover up to hide a few little bumps that she had on her face. I just kept looking at her. Here she was, standing in front of me, with her face plastered with a foundation that made her skin look plastic, telling me that all she did was cover up a few bumps! Am I blind? Am I stupid? Like I said, we have been through this before. And it was not just the fact that she was wearing make-up that got to me. It was also the fact that she has been told so directly and repeatedly that she is NOT to get into her older sister's make-up (older sister is 23, A. is 13).

Am I missing something here? Why is it so hard for A. to follow simple rules? I have said before that these things that we are dealing with are not really all about the actual act of wearing make-up or any of the other many, many little things that she does. The fundamental issue is that she is not capable of doing what she is told. She can not follow any rules. And when caught, she lies. And it all comes so easy to her. I understand that this is what it was like for her when she lived with her biological mom and that her mom has always and will always behave in that same way. So should I face the fact that A. will NEVER get any better than she is now at respecting our family and our rules? If she is this way at 13, what will she be like at 16? 18? Well, at 18 she will probably take off to live with her real mom!

Well, life goes on. What will today bring? There are many other things that happen during each day that I never talk about in my posts. And I know that I don't have it as bad as many other moms do. But like I have said before, the life that I live is MY reality and the problems feel as overwhelming to me as other people's problems feel to them.

I guess I get an "F" for having a positive attitude today. I will work on it though. My positive attitude yesterday did help me get through the day. Maybe I can salvage the rest of today.

I Am Not Going To Think About That!

Is anyone ready for Christmas? I envy all of you who have it so together and have already completed your Christmas shopping. I have not even started. It seems like life just keeps happening and my mind rarely even begins to think about Christmas shopping. Life just keeps happening. What do I expect, right? I just wish life wasn't so complicated and stressful. Especially at this time of the year.

But, I'm not going to think about that. Today I am trying to think positive thoughts. This morning started out pretty quiet and peaceful so I am going to be thankful for this one morning. Who knows what the rest of the day will bring!

But, I'm not going to think about that!

DIFFICULT FOSTER CHILD? LOVE THAT CHILD; IT JUST MIGHT WORK MIRACLES

With all of the complaining I have been doing about my foster daughter, I'm afraid I lost track of the most basic need she has: Love. The following post I found really touched my heart. Love may not heal all of the hurts a foster child is carrying inside of them, but without it, they don't stand a chance.


Foster Children Need Love
by Fatherofeight | More from this Blogger
08 Dec 2006 06:49 PM

Sometimes foster children come into a home so distressed and traumatized that it is difficult to imagine how they could ever adjust to anything but institutional living. On May 5, 2003, Walter and Jacob came to live with us. We already had their two brothers, Tommy and Caleb. Jacob was very difficult to handle.

We now had, Caleb, four months old, Jacob, 18 months old, Tommy, 30 months old, and, Walter, who was four and a half. Tommy was having hysterical, screaming rages quite regularly. Walter was very hyperactive and obviously anxious. Jacob could not get along with any of the other children.

Any outdoor play between the boys ended with Jacob biting one or more of the others. In the house, Jacob used anything as a weapon and tried to break furniture. He screamed constantly unless he was being held by someone who was standing up. We had three children acting out in various ways and a baby. When Nancy found out that she would need to have a hysterectomy the same month, it became obvious that we would have to place Jacob somewhere else. It was just too chaotic.

Our adoption agency worker suggested that Jacob be placed temporarily in a respite home. We were still willing to consider adopting him, but it was very scary. He was placed with a family that had three teenage children. The thinking was that he was badly in need of affection and this family could always have someone available to hold him.

Two months passed. The other children were getting better. I had major doubts about Jacob. The time was nearing for a decision to be made. A regular family visit had been scheduled and we were told that Jacob would be there. I didn't know what to do.

We arrived at the building where the meeting was to take place. There was a large group of people standing around talking to each other in the lobby. The lady who was keeping Jacob came in with him in her arms. I was not prepared for what happened next.

She put Jacob down on the floor. He saw me on the other side of the room. Imagine a chubby, 20 month old child trying to run. He did. He ran (actually he waddled) around the entire group of people with his arms spread wide, saying in toddler language, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy." I grabbed him and held him. We all cried for a while. At that moment, we knew that he was our child.

Today, Jacob is a brilliant five year old child. He could read at a first grade level when he was four. He had not been to school; he had listened while Nancy taught Walter to read. He is also our sweetest and most obedient child. He just needed to be loved.

To view original article, please click on title of this post.

I Don't Know What Happened! I Just Hit The Snooze And The Next Thing I Knew It was An Hour Later!

I am working with A. on getting out the door on time in the morning so she is not late to school. Her being late had gotten so bad that I lost count of the detentions she had due to her tardies. She had every excuse in the book: "I forgot to set my alarm; I pushed the snooze button and must have turned it off; I don't know what happened!" The plain simple truth is that she simply did not want to get out of bed. Not that I blame her for that. I myself would sleep in later if it were possible, but for all of us the day begins around 6:30 a.m., like it or not, and everybody has to do their part.

So, to aid her in getting up and getting out the door on time, I told her that for every day she was late for school, she was going to have to go to bed half an hour earlier. She started out by going to her room for quiet time at 9:00 and turned her lights off at 10:00. By the time she actually began to make a noticeable effort to make it to school on time, she was having to go to her room at 6:30 and turn her lights off at 7:00. I make her go for 5 days in a row without being late to school and then I give her back half an hour. She has only made it to 7:00 quiet time with lights out at 7:30. But, it is working.

I just wanted to share that tid bit of information to anyone else who may be struggling with the same problem. I never once got mad at her once I decided on how I was going to handle this situation. I simply told her that it seemed to me that she must need more sleep at night in order to get up early enough to get to school on time. I told her that we would just keep moving her bed time earlier and earlier until we discovered what time it was that she needed to get to sleep in order to not be so tired in the morning. 6:30 p.m. seemed to be that magical time. However, since at 13 years old she does not like going to bed that early, she is making an effort to get up, do her chores, eat breakfast, and make it out the door no later than 8:10.

This is actually exciting to me because I do not very often have success when it comes to getting A. to change any of her bad habits/behaviors. If only I could discover consequences that would work for some of her other bad habits/behaviors. Oh well, one thing at a time I suppose. If this is the only thing I can manage to help her with, I guess I have accomplished at least one thing.

Two Years Ago, Probably. Now? I'm Not So Sure.

Well, Thanksgiving was an enjoyable time. My family got together and enjoyed all the good food that comes with the holidays. A. is always so good at events like this one that if I told anybody what the stress load was like at our house on any given normal day they would probably be totally surprised.

We are hanging on by our fingernails, not wanting to "pull the plug" yet. We take it day by day, week by week, trying to make it through the holidays. A. is finding that we are not as willing to engage her in conversation very much anymore and so I know she is feeling like we are cutting her out of our lives. I am having a hard time wanting to talk with her the way I used to because I have come to understand that I have no idea what part of what she is saying is going to be the truth or a lie. How does one deal with that? Talking with one another is supposed to be a way of getting to know things about each other and it is a way to draw closer to each other. What is the point of talking with someone who is giving you conversation that is false and misleading? It is so stressful and misleading and hurtful.

I guess I'll just keep trudging along for now. I am not sure what will happen after the holidays though. I crave peace in my own home. Yet I am filled with guilt at the thought of sending A. to live with some other foster family. This is a no win situation. A.'s mom's termination trial is mid January. Finally, after 4 years in foster care we may be nearing the end of this ordeal. This is what I have been hoping for all along. And now that termination is almost here, I feel ready to give up. Once upon a time I would have fought tooth and nail to gain the rights to adopt A. Now, I'm not sure what I will do. This case has dragged on way too long and I partially blame everybody who has had a part in making this case go on for 4 years for messing up A.'s mind even more than it was at the beginning. If this could have been settled within the first one or two years I think things would have worked out much better for all of us. But it didn't and now I don't know if I can take the step of permanently making A. a part of our family. She is 13 going on 20. I don't know if I want to live through the stress of her teenage years. (Sigh!)

Someone tell me about a child you had to let go and it turned out for the best, or perhaps a child you thought you would let go but then decided to keep and it worked out great. I could use some uplifting stories.