Please Read This And Please Post Your Comments!

Days aren't always good and I guess this is one of those that aren't good. Without going into specific detail, I've had my optimistic view of where things were heading between me and my foster daughter come screeching to a halt. I hope it is only temporary. I've always known that I will never be able to take the place of A.'s mom, but I was hoping that she was beginning to feel comfortable enough with me that she could accept me as a mom when the time came. She knows in her heart that without an out and out miracle, she will never be going home to live with her real mom. She loves her mom so much and she is hurting so much inside. A. understands her mom has problems, but I believe A. thinks that if she could just go home, she could single handedly counsel her mom and take care of her and her mom would start behaving and everything would be all right. She doesn't understand that after a lifetime of living the habits that her mom has been living, she is pretty much incapable of ever changing (I always give acknowledgement that of course God could change her, but she has to want to change badly enough to ask God for help in the first place.)

So today I received a rude awakening that the possibility exists that A. does not even want to stay living here with us if she is told at the next court date, October, that she will not be going home. Something was alluded to about running away if that happened and going to live with the last foster family she lived with. Right! Like that will ever happen! I will fight tooth and nail to keep her out of that home. I can't believe for one minute that her case worker would ever allow that to happen anyway. But, you never know.

I received all of this news like a blow to my stomach. Here I am encouraging her to call me mom and my husband dad because I believe that things are going so great. I guess I was pushing too much too fast. I am feeling so depressed right now. I have cried so much lately over what seems to be everything but this has really set me off.

I feel like such a failure as a mom. I won't go into my personal life too much, but I have always felt like I could sure use a bit more affirmation that what I was doing as a mom was good and right. I have loved with every ounce of my being and have only wanted to feel some of that love being returned back. When kids are little, they are full of hugs and "I love yous" and kisses. As they grow, they become more and more "You just don't understand, you don't know anything!" Hmmm - like I never was their age once and know exactly what they are going through! I wonder if my mom felt the same as I do right now. Mom? Did you? I'm sorry if I ever made you feel as though you weren't important to me and that I didn't love you. I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for you and dad.

Maybe all kids feel like their parents should just automatically know that they are loved. I guess I know intellectually that my kids love me, but wouldn't it be nice if they would have shown it once in a while as they were growing through the roughest times, the teen years? Yes, yes, I know - the teen years are the most selfish times that a child will ever go through. Everything in their world is about THEM. That is just the way it is. I accepted it as I was living it. It just seems harder going through it now with my foster daughter and my 15 year old son.

Now my two older girls are grown , one is married and moving 6 hours away and the other is 22 and lives at home with us and her 20 month old son. I love them both so much I don't know how I would live without them. I don't think they realize that. Do you girls? My 25 year old daughter is old enough and is a practicing Christian and she has come to realize the importance of showing people that she loves them. I want her to know that I recognize that and I appreciate it! My 22 year old daughter has taken a rougher path and I don't understand her very well. I won't go into much about her, but I wish she could find it within herself to let me know that she loves me and appreciates all that I have done and continue to do for her. She has her dad's side of the family's personality which is a bit abrasive at times. Even when they really don't mean to sound angry, they have this booming voice that makes you cringe and wonder why they are shouting at you. If you bring it up to them, they'll look at you and say "I wasn't shouting, I am just explaining this or that to you!" She is an intense person and very emotional and tends to lash out whenever her emotions get the better of her, which can be often and can be overbearing. I hope she knows that I love her, despite all of our imperfections!

Backtracking to my foster daughter A. I guess I'm going to have wait this one out and see what happens after the court date. I am going to stop reminding her to call me mom. If she wants to call me Mrs. __ for some reason, so be it. I have already began to loosen up on some of the restrictions that I had to put in place for her when she first came to live with us until I knew where she was with some of the issues in her past. She has had some set backs, but overall I think she is doing pretty good and I think I am ready to lift some of the restrictions. Gulp! Why do I know as surely as I am sitting here that I am going to regret this? But I can't treat her like a criminal or a baby or a problem child, or whatever it was I was treating her like, forever. She has to live her life and begin to make her own mistakes. This is an important step anyway so we can find out what the real A. is like. She seems to have 2 sides to her. She shows us, for the most part, the one she thinks she wants us to see, but there is another side to her. The one that wants to run away if she can't go back home. Wow - that is still such a blow to me.

I could sure use advice on this. I don't get many comments on my posts, but I would appreciate everyone helping me out with this one. How many of you have had all of these feelings? Am I abnormal or normal? Is A. acting like a typical foster child who is about to lose her mom and is confused about what to do about it? Should I talk to her about it? She doesn't know we know she feels this way about running away as we accidentally came upon this information. So, it is hard to bring it up to her. How many of you moms out there feel like failures? Of those of you who consider yourselves more strict, do you look back and regret that you had so many rules for your kids? How many of you let your children listen to whatever type of music they want to? I'm talking HARD "christian" music and rap and HARD rock and roll. As a Christian, I have learned and accepted that the harder music in any category of music is more likely to have lyrics that allude to sex, satan, drugs, and so on. How many of you agree on this? Oh my gosh, I wish I had a room full of people sitting with me right now answering my questions. Please post your comments! Give me some feedback!!!!!

Help An Abused Child Learn About Love.

Listen to the words of the song in this video. If anything can touch your heart, this can. Are you sure there isn't something you can do to help a child who is being abused, or has been abused? Can you volunteer your time? Can you become a foster family and take a child into your home? Can you mentor a mother so she learns how to lovingly take care of her child? Can you simply keep your eyes and ears open and when you suspect child abuse, can you pick up the phone and call the child abuse hot line? Or the Police? Can you do something before it is too late? Too late for a child. Too late for a family.

ADD Or Just The Stress Of Life?

Me and my husband just attended a meeting with A.'s psychiatrist. We were only there to discuss the issue of A.'s inability to focus at school or at home while doing home work. We had mentioned this before to her previous counselors, but everbody just passed it off as too much stress in her life making it impossible for her to focus. I understand that is a possibility. If I were facing the possibility of never being able to live with my mom anymore I probably would have a hard time focusing also. But I think there is more to it than that. I don't believe in medicating children on a whim, but if there is sufficient evidence that the benefits would outweigh the negatives, then I think medicine should be considered.

So, we went in and explained to her psychiatrist about her focus problem. She finally did take it seriously and after school begins wants us to take several forms for her teachers to fill out. We'll see what happens from there! I think if we can get to the root of her focus issues, she will begin to excel at school.

Helping Our Future Generation Learn To Love

I am constantly amazed at the number of people who have children who shouldn't even own a dog. I am not saying I feel hatred for people who wind up being child abusers. I believe that somewhere in their own past, there must have been something that went wrong and messed up their brains and emotions and now, as adults, they simply have not learned the tools needed to treat or to sometimes even visualize children as human beings. The pain or hate or both that must be inside of a child abuser must be overpoweringly overwhelming.

Read this story. A 24 year old man was taking care of a three week old infant girl. He told police that the baby would not stop crying. Desperately needing her to be quiet, he said "he slammed her head down on his lap." He said that the baby's head either hit his knee or a table. The infant was treated at a hospital for a cracked skull and brain injuries. The man now faces 30 years in prison for felony battery of a child. This man had a history of domestic violence.

I can't even begin to go into all of the thoughts and questions that pop into my mind as I read that news report. A history of domestic violence? What in the world was he doing taking care of somebody's three week old baby? Where was the mom? What kind of a mom in her right mind would leave her infant in the care of a man with a history of domestic violence? Mom was probably just as messed up as he was and actually not in her right mind! So, the man hit the baby's head on his lap to make her stop crying? What was inside of this man that made it impossible for him to have common sympathy for such a small creature and cause him to turn to violence instead of cradling her and loving her until she stopped crying? Whatever was inside this man that caused him to use violence instead of patience has likely cost him anywhere up to 30 years of his life in prison. I don't know his past, but I bet there was abuse of one type or another in it.

God must look down on us messed up people and cry buckets of tears everyday. I crave to be able to something that would help stop the abuse of our future generation. The only thing I can try to do is to take into my home even just one or two children who come from an abusive or neglectful home. Maybe, by example, I can show them love, instead of pain and hate. I don't know if I am cut out to be a foster mom who fosters many foster children, in fact I can probably say with certainty that I am not. But I have managed with my one foster daughter, A., and I now love her as if she were my own. But that did not come easy. If I take in another child, will it be any easier or will I find it even harder than A.? I know myself pretty well. I love children, but I was not sitting in the front row when God was passing out patience. But who knows, miracles do happen. Me and my husband do want to take in one more child. We'll see where that leads. If it is an infant, I know it will be easier for me, but harder for my husband. I guess we'll leave that in God's hands!

The Beginning Of Something Good!

Today is A.'s birthday! I spent the past few days at my oldest daughter's house, with A., helping her pack all of her household belongings because her and her husband are moving to Southern Illinois in one week. So, when I woke up this morning, despite being dead tired from all of the bending, lifting, and sorting at my daughter's house, I knew I had ahead of me today house cleaning, present shopping (I hadn't had time yet}, grocery shopping, cake baking and all of the general things you do to get ready for a family birthday party for a 12 year old. I crawled out of bed determined to make this a great day for A.

It has been pretty good so far. I did have to deal with another girl's mom first thing this morning, 7:45 a.m. to be exact, because there was a problem going on between her daughter and A. and two other friends of A's. The only time I could get hold of this woman seemed to be early in the morning, so I called, cringing, because I do not know this family and what I had to discuss with her could have been handled good or bad by either of us. It went well.

For the rest of day, so far, me and A. have had a good time. We went and did almost all of the shopping together. I even let her get a pedicure, which she has been craving for a long time. I am a rather conservative 48 year old mom and pictured her picking a pretty pink or light rose colored nail polish for her toes. When she picked up a dark blue bottle of polish, I cringed, but the look on her face was so pleading that I gave in and said okay, since it was her birthday.

It actually looked kind of pretty, with a white oriental flower painted on each big toe. She hugged me and kissed my cheek and said she was having a great day. I am so glad. It was important for her birthday to be good for her this year. She has had to accept a lot of life changing situations in the past year and I hope that she is beginning to feel like she is our daughter. I don't know if she is quite at that point yet, but I know we are at the beginning of something good. I hope!

Mom And Dad - Thank You!

I'm still reading the book "Damaged". I now know a bit of what the little girl went through. To think that this is a true story and that some little children do go through such horrible abuse. If we don't keep educated about what is happening to our children, how are we supposed to help any of them?

I thank God for my parents and for the normal life that I grew up with. If you read this mom and dad - Thank You!

Only The Beginning!

I am reading a book titled "Damaged" (Thank you D.) I am not very far into it yet but I have had a lot of feelings bubble up as I read. Mainly, I am so thankful that my A. does not have the problems that the little girl in this book has. I have not even gotten to what horrible events she must have experienced in her past, but I am sure I am going to find it horrible to read about.

Besides being thankful that A. is as normal as she is, I am learning that many of the feelings that I have had, especially at the beginning of fostering, are normal. When foster kids come into a new home, they have no idea what to expect and are usually very angry. Some come to homes straight from their birth parent's home, while others, like this little girl in the story, have been through four or five homes in as many months. These kids are simply hurt, distrusting, and hateful. They are so hurt that they don't even realize that what they really want is just to be treated in the way a normal loving parent would treat their child. I admit that at the beginning, I had a hard time treating A. as if she were one of my own. Something has changed in our relationship, in a very good way, and I do know that I feel she belongs with our family.

Reading a story like this makes me want to go and throw my arms around every one of my kids and tell them how much I love them and how thankful I am that they are my kids. Even through the tough times I have loved them with every ounce of my being and I want them to know that, including A. She has come to be a wonderful part of our family and even with the problems that we face from time to time, I want her to know how much I have grown to love her.

I need to read more books like the one I am reading. I guess I feel like I have been through some type of counseling session. And since I am only a quarter of the way through this book, I have a feeling that my counseling session is only beginning!

Reporting Child Abuse

This is not just a story about child abuse, but also a lesson 0n the importance of reporting child abuse when you become aware of it. On June 30, I wrote a post in which I named professions and people who were considered to be "mandated reporters". Of the many occupations I listed, a physician is a person who falls into a category of people more likely to notice, or at least strongly suspect, abuse. The law requires that a mandated reporter is to report any incidents of child abuse as soon as possible, but to not wait more than 12 hours after the incident. A mandated reporter can face charges if he or she does not report an incident.

The story:

A 41 year old man is accused and faces several charges involving the sexual assault of a child. The child's mother told her family physician that she suspected her son was being sexually abused by a man whom the family knew. The mother asked her physician not to tell anyone until she had more time to look into it further and to gather some evidence. He did not tell anyone.

Two days later, after the child's mom told her physician about her suspicions, a family member set up a web cam in the child's bedroom and captured video of the accused man inappropriately touching the child. Later that night, the accused man was arrested.

When later interviewed by the police, the physician explained that although the mother did in fact tell him some details as to why she felt her son was being sexually abused by this man, he was not sure what to do. He said that he thought he needed physical proof before reporting the abuse.

The child's mother does not believe that her physician did anything wrong and stands behind him. He turned himself into police June 17. He was released, promising to appear in court at the appointed day and time. This case is still pending. (to see full story, click on title of this post)

I want to once again state how important it is that the general public become educated on what to do if they suspect child abuse. As soon as you are reasonably sure that there is abuse happening, you need to get in contact with your local child welfare agency. There are also abuse hot lines that you can call. The NATIONAL ABUSE HOT LINE numbers are:


Phone(s)
National Hot line
1-800-422-4453
TDD
1-800-222-4453

Fax
(480) 922-7061
Contact Name:
Yvonne Fedderson or Sara O'Meara

E-mail
info@childhelpusa.org

For more information go to this site:
http://www.region4wib.org/ChildhelpUSA.htm

Today's Children Are Our Future

I have been reading some stories of children who have lived through hell on earth, sometimes for years. I believe it is important that their stories be told and retold so that the rest of us become aware of the reality of the horrific crimes that are committed against children. I believe the more educated people are on child abuse, the more they will be likely to sense when a situation warrants further looking into. In this way, I believe it is possible for more and more people to be involved in helping abused children find a way out of the lives that hold them in such emotional and physical torment.

This story I want to share with you is about a 6 year old boy. It doesn't matter where he lived because child abuse happens everywhere. The mother of this boy made the decision that she simply did not want to take care of him anymore and left him with his father. The father, the boy, and the boy's stepmother lived in a small trailer and the boy was locked repeatedly inside of a small dark bathroom closet. He was often left inside that closet for 24 hours at a time, sometimes even longer. The reason given for this "punishment" was that the boy was not able to fall asleep. While inside of this closet, the boy was chained in a way so that he was not able to sit down. If he had to have a bowel movement, his father and stepmother would open the door and rub the feces into his face. He was forced to eat food coated with burning sauce and was not given any liquids to drink. Sometimes he would cry and scream, only to have his cries drowned out by the blaring of a radio or he was silenced by dish soap.

There was one other person who heard his screams, that was his 14 year old step-sister. When she could not stand staying there any longer, knowing what was happening to her brother, she ran away. She was located by the local police of the state where was staying, at which time she told the officers the story of what was happening to her brother. A certain Deputy Pate could not believe that this young girl could make up such a horrible story and through the proper channels the Department of Children and Family Services were finally notified. DCFS visited the trailer but could not find enough evidence to support the story that had been told to them so they were not able to remove the boy from the home. Thank God the Deputy could not find it within himself to let this story go.

On the day after social services refused to take action, Deputy Sheriff Todd Pate was able to arrest Joseph and Carmen Grad when they entered his state in a car to pick up their daughter to take her back home. The boy was in the back seat of the car and Deputy Pate walked over and examined the child. What he saw was more than enough evidence needed to arrest the parents.

It was thanks to the persistence of Deputy Pate that this little boy now lives in a safe environment. But he has many scars, emotional, psychological, and physical that he must learn to overcome. It will take years, but with a loving family to watch over him and much counseling, he at least has a chance at overcoming his horrible childhood nightmare.

Joseph and Carmen Grad were sentenced to 4 1/2 years in prison. Joseph walked out after serving only a year and a half of his sentence. The sentence that this little boy is going to live with is going to last for the rest of his life. How is it fair that two adults can cause so much inhumane torture and cruelty upon a little boy so as to forever alter the way he views his world, while the perpetrators get to walk free into the world to most likely repeat this pattern of abuse on some other young child. How can we console ourselves that justice was done?

God is in control. But I know that He expects us human beings to look out for one another too. If you suspect child abuse, don't turn your head and say it doesn't concern you, or that there just isn't any way of knowing for sure and you don't want to cause trouble. Keep your eyes and ears open and ask questions. Do whatever you need to do to make sure you are not willfully overlooking a child whose only hope for survival may be you. Today's children are our future. Let's help give them the chance to grow into healthy, productive members of tomorrow's society.

Life Doesn't Seem Fair, Sometimes

Just wanted to write a quick post. A. has been back from camp since last Saturday, and my son left for camp two days later (Monday). These past two weeks have been different! Each child being gone takes something away from the day to day workings of our family. The importance that each child plays within our family becomes obvious when any one child is gone for an extended period of time. Sure, there are a lot of times when I feel the peacefulness of having one less child around, but other times I really miss saying good morning or good night. I love all of my kids so much. I can't imagine living without any one of them.

I just heard a story about a mom who a few years back felt the necessity to call the child welfare agency on her daughter. She felt her daughter was neglecting her child and after much agonizing over the situation, she decided to make the call to the welfare agency. There was naturally an investigation which resulted in the Agency taking the child from the mom and custody was awarded to the grandma (the lady who made the call). Three years later, which brings us to now, the bio dad has stepped into the picture out of the blue, after having had little to no contact with the child over those three years, and in no time at all the courts awarded him custody of the child. This poor little child was torn from her grandma's home and arms and taken to a place far away in another state where she did not know the people who now were taking care of her. Biological dad was a total stranger. This little child knew only her grandma as the person who loved and took care of her. How could any judge do such a thing? I don't care at all that this "dad" was the child's biological father, he had not been in her life for three years. How could the best possible outcome for the child be that she be removed from her home where she felt loved and safe for the past three years and be put with perfect strangers? How could this be best? The child's grandma who originally made the call to the child welfare agency, thinking she was doing what was best for her grandchild, now has not only lost her own daughter because of the anger between the two of them, but she has now also lost her grandchild who she raised for three years. Life just doesn't seem fair sometimes. Yes, I still trust in God to be in control and to do what is best for everyone, but it doesn't mean that I understand why He lets certain things happen! So I repeat, life just doesn't seem fair, sometimes.

Trust That God Has Everything Under Control!

I was browsing through some news stories about foster care situations. This particular story is approximately one year old now and is about a man from Independence, MO, Gary Stocklaufer, who weighed 500 lbs. He and his wife are state certified foster parents and had adopted one son (Bobby) and were fostering a baby of their cousins. The mom of the baby boy (Max) had signed over parental rights to Gary and his wife Cynthia and they had hopes of adopting him. They thought that the process would be a quick and easy one since they had already adopted one son. But that is not what happened.

The couple had the baby for only 3 months before a family court judge ruled that Gary wasn't fit enough to be an adoptive father due to his weight (this according to Gary). According to KMBC-TV Channel 9 out of Kansas, MO, the judge that ruled this man to be an unfit adoptive father is the same judge who allowed the adoption of their other son just seven years ago (this story is now one year old). Gary weighed around 500 lbs. at that time as well.
In August of 2007, Gary Stocklaufer was offered and underwent free gastric bypass surgery in hopes of losing enough weight to be allowed to finally continue with the process of adopting baby Max. By January, Gary had lost approximately 200 lbs.

Baby Max was finally ordered to be returned to the Stocklaufers by noon, Dec. 31, 2007, but due to the Guardian Ad Litem being out of town, the transfer did not happen. The foster family with which baby Max had been staying did not want to give him up and wished to adopt him themselves.

Finally, in January of 2008, The Stocklaufer's were once again awarded custody of baby Max. In his ruling, the judge said it is "in the child's best interest" that the Stocklaufers "be permitted to adopt him."
The judge in this case made the statement that the removal of baby Max from the Stocklaufer's home over the summer did not have anything to do with Gary's weight. The judge said that the removal happened because "the couple did not follow proper procedures when moving the child into Missouri from another state."

I have read many mixed opinions from the view points of other people as I was looking up information for this story. But what moved me the most was the fact that this story is not all that uncommon. I'm not talking about the part of how Gary felt discriminated against because of his weight. There are so many other reasons for adoptions to be all of a sudden cut off, or foster children suddenly moved from one home to another, even when the family of the initial home wanted to keep the child. The foster system is very complex and too often it seems as though the system is working against what is best for children in particular cases. I'm happy for the Stocklaufer's family to have been finally allowed to continue on with adopting their beloved little baby Max. I feel sorry for the other foster family who took care of Max during this ordeal as they too fell in love with him and wanted to adopt him. The world of foster care and adoption is very often full of pain as well as love and happiness. I guess we just have to do our part the best that we know how and trust that God has the rest under control, even when we don't understand. At least that is how I choose to believe!

The information for this story came from the following sources:
http://www.kmbc.com/news/14994541/detail.html
http://www.kmbc.com/news/13971751/detail.html
http://www.kmbc.com/news/13763346/detail.html
http://poundpuplegacy.org/node/13888

Foster Kids Books Improved A.'s Reading!

I want to comment for a minute on some books that my foster daughter really likes. At the school she attends, they have a reading program where they have to read so many books for so many points. A. decided to look for books that told stories about other foster children and their experiences. The books that she began to bring home were the Elizabeth Gail books by Hilda Stahl. A. has never been a big reader, but because these books were about foster children like herself, she found them to be very interesting and read all of them that they carried at the school library. I was very impressed! A. has never enjoyed reading and has actually struggled with it quite a bit. I don't know how many books in this series exists but I would like to find out and buy the whole set for her. If anybody knows about this series of books, please let me know where I can find them and approximately how many there are.

What Would You like To Find Here?

I hope those of you who visit this site are finding interesting tidbits and information and just some enjoyable personal information about my personal struggles. I would like to continue to work on this site to bring it more closely to what it's readers would like to find when they visit here. If you have any suggestions as to what type of reading you would like to find when you come to my site, please feel free to leave a comment.

There Is A Bright Side To Everything!

A. came home yesterday morning. We weren't sure how the day was going to end up considering how it started. We got a call from my son-in-law's dad telling my husband that our daughter had just called and said that she was afraid her husband J. was having a stroke. J. is only 35 yrs. old. They were staying 6 hours away at the time and since J.'s parents and family immediately were jumping in their cars and driving to where J. and our daughter was, we felt we would stay put and keep in touch by phone. We had a lot to do and it seemed wiser just to stay here and take care of business as usual, only taking off for the 6 hour ride if we got news that things were not going very well. We kept in touch and by evening J. was doing much better. Tons of testing verified that he had experienced a mini-stroke! What a scare for my daughter, 10 years younger than J. His side effects were almost gone by evening and our daughter said that if you did not know J. very well you would not even know that anything was different.

In the meantime - here at home, our family decided to go outside and play frisbee catch. The only problem was we were using Frisbee Golf Discs, which are quite heavy and fly quite fast. A. was not looking at one point and my son threw a disc to her and as she turned her face back towards him, Baaam!! right in the cheek and nose. Nothing was broken, but she did develop a pretty good lump on her cheek.
I guess all in all the day ended up okay. J. was doing much better and A. didn't have to go to the hospital! There is always a bright side to everything.

Looking Forward To A. Coming Home

A. is coming home tomorrow! Me and my husband both have made comments about the quietness around here. But we have also both admitted that we miss A. We will be picking her up around 10:00 a.m. tomorrow morning. She was a basket case a whole week before camp started and I imagine she will be a basket case for at least a week after she gets home. There are so few things in her life that really make her extra happy so I am glad that this camp works for her each summer. She almost did not get to go because they were already full by the time our case worker got around to calling. But I was able to get in touch personally with a member of the camp staff and ask if there was any way A. could still attend. Everybody there remembered A. and shuffled things around so that A. was able to attend by being a jr. counselor in training! This is right up A.'s alley! She is a natural "mother" to any younger child and will make a great counselor. She intends to continue going each summer and wants to become a full counselor so she can help other foster kids like herself. That would be wonderful for her self-esteem!

Does anybody else get comments from the rest of their family that they spend too much time at the computer? I am totally new to computers and blogging and I spend every free moment that I have looking things up, posting comments, reading about what brings traffic to your site, trying out the different types of ads that are available to put on my site. For the first few weeks I suppose I probably was on the computer for the better part of each day. But now I only sit down for a moment, many times a day, to check one thing or another out. How else will I learn what I need to know? Anyway, I really enjoy working on this site and I hope to create a couple more once I understand everything that I feel is most important to know.

The Great Tea Flood!

Day 3 with A. gone. I have to tell you that things maybe were not so quiet yesterday towards the end of the day. My daughter who lives at home with her 19 month old son decided to make some ice tea to take to her boyfriend who was working outside. They had bought a plastic drinking jug, you know, the kind that has a small "faucet" at the bottom. She boiled a huge pot of water so the tea bags would begin steeping quicker. I turned my back for just a moment as she began to pour the boiling water into the plastic jug with the tea bags inside. I jumped at hearing a huge gasp and a loud gush of what sounded like much water. I turned around and my daughter was standing in shock, trying to decide whether to laugh or cry. We all stood and looked at this plastic jug, now a mass of melted plastic, and at all of the tea that had poured out and onto the counter and all over the floor! What a mess! I tend to handle these situations as calmly as possible because I know how quickly something like this can turn into an out of control, crying scene. I watched my daughter as she finally decided it was hysterically funny and began laughing so hard she was crying. I calmly walked to the front closet and got out my carpet cleaning machine knowing that with so much water it would be much easier to suck up the water than to try to absorb it with towels. It was everywhere! On the seats of the stools, the counter, down the sides of the counter, on the floor, and the stools were sitting in the puddle so the bottoms of the legs were also getting soaked. This was tea, mind you, so I was afraid that it was going to stain everything it was on. But thanks to all of our quick team work (too bad we don't all work that well together on a day to day basis in normal family interactions) we were able to clean it all up in a matter of minutes and with no stains! I suppose it may not sound like much as I retell the story, but it sure was a huge deal to all of us last night as we were standing in middle of the great tea flood!

Thanks For The Advice

Thank you to the person who commented on the possible need for new site counters. I did install what you said you use and I now know much more information that I used to about the number of hits to my site. I am finding it all very interesting! Again, thanks for the advice.

Help! Please Add Your Suggestions To This Post!

This post is not about my usual subject matter but I really need some advice that I hope I will get some responses on. This question is for those of you who care about the amount of traffic that comes to your site. I created this site one month ago and to date have only had 170 hits on my counter. I have done everything I have read that is supposed to help drive more traffic to my site. I have put my site on all of the major search engines, I have joined a couple of social sites, and I have even written an article and submitted it to Ezine Articles, all which is supposed to bring all of this traffic to my site. I may be getting 7 or 8 more hits per day than I used to, but that is a far cry from the 100's or 1000's that everyone talks about as being normal. Do any of you who are reading this post have any suggestions for me? I would like to create more blog sites but until I can figure out how to get people to this site I figure it is a waste of my time.
Please post some comments for me. I am getting a little frustrated because I can't figure it out on my own. I am enjoying creating posts for this site so I guess it isn't wasting my time completely and I will probably keep up with this site even if I can't figure how the "big guys" do it. But it sure would be fulfilling to me to be successful at what I am trying to do!
Thanks ahead of time for your input and suggestions!

More Training For Us, But All Is Quiet At Home!

Tomorrow evening me and my husband will be taking our CPR class as part of our foster parent training. Two weeks later we will begin the rest of our PRIDE classes which will last for 7 weeks and then we will be finished! It is a lot to do but I think it is well worth it. I am actually looking forward to having another child in our home. I think I have mentioned before that me and my husband don't completely agree on the age of the child we want. I want a child whose age range is from birth to maybe 2 or 3 and my husband wants a child who is at least in Kindergarten. I'm not sure how much of a choice we will have. I know you can turn down children when you are called for placements, but I think it will be hard to say no to any child. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. We are still in the process of trying to sell our house so we may decide we need to wait until that has been accomplished anyway. No good ever comes from biting off more than you can chew!

It is day 3 with A. gone to camp. It is so quiet at home. My son has taken this week so far and done nothing but take it easy. Instead of girls coming in and out all day long with A. and boys coming in and out all day long with my son, there has been almost nobody coming in our house at all. I must say that I am not complaining about that at all! I miss A., but I am enjoying the quiet!

The Truth Behind Child Protection Reform

by Robin Rae

It was not to long ago that agencies discouraged foster parents from adopting the children in their care, and parents who asked about or chose to adopt were not always welcomed. Agencies discouraged adoption by foster parents for the several reasons; fear of losing good foster families when they were no longer available to take other foster children; concerns about how other foster children in the home who were not being adopted might be affected; or fears about the impact of openness between the foster family and the birth family.

This practice has turned around through reform as child welfare systems recognize the benefits of foster parents adopting the children in their care. The adoption field has come to acknowledge the benefits of this type of adoption for children. The shortened legal timeframes have made it easier for foster parents to approach their workers about adopting the children in their care. Now if the foster parents do not suggest the possibility, their social worker may sometimes ask and work with them to consider adopting the child.

This happened to a child in my care, I went in to fostering when I met a handsome young boy who lived in a neighboring foster home. He was said to have been born "normal", but one tragic day his life was changed. His father hung him. He nearly died and is now forever brain damaged. By five he was still in diapers and could only speak a few words. Walking was a major problem as he displayed Cerebral Palsy like symptoms. With all this damage done he was considered un-adoptable. That boy became my foster child and with the help of a caring worker I adopted him.
There are several benefits to foster parent adoptions. Foster parents have a greater knowledge of a child's experiences prior to placement and know what behaviors to expect from the child. If they have enough background information about what happened to a child before this placement and extensive information about this child's specific behavior patterns, the foster family is better able to understand and respond to the child's needs in a positive and appropriate way. Foster parents usually have fewer fantasies and fears about the child's birth family, because they often have met and know them as real people with real problems.

My Post by Diane: The above article written by Robin Rae can be accessed by clicking on the title "The Truth Behind Child Protection Reform". I found it interesting because I was not aware that it used to be the practice to discourage adoption of a child by that child's foster family. That does not make sense to me. Those of us who are foster parents have had the opportunity to live with our foster child day after day and know what our child's individual needs and struggles are. Who better then to adopt a child than the people, the family, who he or she has come to call their family. Thank God for progress!

Something's Missing!

Its day two with A. gone to camp. I found my thoughts tuned in to what she may be doing several times yesterday. She has become such a part of our family that it feels as though a part of us is missing. I would never have thought that I would ever feel that way almost three years ago when she and her sister first came to live with us. I wish things could have worked out and we could have kept both girls, but as it has turned out, each girl has thrived being apart from their sibling. There was simply a need for each of them to find themselves and define what their individual role in life was. This was something that could not be accomplished while they were together. A. had become completely parentified at a very early age and her little sister felt that she herself was too controlled by A. There were other problems as well and so despite every effort made to keep these two girls together, the decision was finally made to separate them. A.'s little sister now lives with a wonderful single woman and they love each other like mother and daughter. At the moment, A. gets to see her sister once a week, but we hope to begin organizing an additional day for the girls to get together and visit outside of their regularly scheduled visits. Soon after the girls were taken away from their birth mom, another little baby sibling was born. He went from the hospital into foster care. We hope to get all three of these kids together for special visits. I know that for A. it is the most important event in her life to be able to spend time with her siblings. She told me that one of her biggest fears was that her little brother would grow up not knowing her as a sister. I won't let that happen!
A. comes home Saturday. I want to plan something extra nice to do after she is home. Maybe an extra sibling visit would be the perfect thing to surprise her with! I hope she is having fun and is safe. I hope she misses me, even just a little.

Teens in Foster Care Hold Out Hope for Adoption

Rueben, 17, has been in foster

care for 10 years without finding

a family. He still hopes someone

will adopt him. (ABC News)

Click on title for full story.

Things Are Quiet Around Here!

A. has been gone since 10:30 this morning. Things seem very quiet around here. It is amazing what a difference it makes when just one child is taken out of the family interactions. When A. gets back in 6 days, it will be time for our 15 year old son to leave for his camp. It is nice that they both get to have a break from each other, but it would have been nicer, in my opinion, if they could have both been gone the same week so me and my husband could have had a vacation as well!!! Oh well. This gives us an opportunity to spend some quality time with each of them alone for almost a whole week each. Hope the weather cools down or I won't be stepping a foot outdoors!

It's Here! Going To Camp Day!

It is 7:00 a.m. and 20 minutes ago I was cuddled up in my bed ready to snooze for just a little bit longer when all of a sudden it hit me! Today was "going to camp day" for A.! She needed to get up, shower, eat breakfast, do a couple of chores, help me finish packing and be out the door by 9:30. My eyes flew open wide and I all but jumped out of bed. As my brain began to wake up, I realized, and was quite amazed, that A. had not yet been to our bedroom door knocking to see if we would get up and get ready to go! She has been on pins and needles for 2 weeks and the day is finally here. Hurray! Maybe we can all relax a little bit now that the impending camping trip day has finally arrived.
This year she gets to be trained to be a Jr. Counselor. She feels so important and is beside herself with joy. This is really a great thing for her. I so seldom see her so happy. She is now talking about wanting to become a full counselor at this camp and go back every summer to help the other foster kids who are there. I think that is a wonderful idea. Kids who have lived their pre-foster family lives the way that A. had to, so often have such low self-esteem. They may try to make up for it in the way they act, you know, being bossy, disrespectful, obstinate, etc., but deep down many times they just don't feel as though they are good at anything or that they are really special to anybody. Becoming a camp counselor at a camp for other foster kids is an absolutely wonderful opportunity for A. to grow and gain some of that self esteem she so badly needs. If your foster child has never attended such a camp, I recommend looking into it. Hopefully there is one wherever you live!

Is It Time To Pack Yet?

Today is the day that A. gets to pack for camp. This will be her third year attending a camp for foster girls (Come Back Kids Camp). She woke up and before she could even think straight, knocked on our bedroom door and asked if I knew where the list of items to pack was. I wasn' t even fully awake yet so I told her she would have to wait a little bit before I would get up and look for the list. She gave me a frustrated look (one that I am well acquainted with now) and then went back to her room, shutting her door not as quietly as usual. I gave a huge sigh because, well, today is my birthday and I just didn't want to have to deal with anything, no matter how small, the first moment I opened my eyes. Silly me, to think that today would be different from any other day since A. came to live with us. If it isn't her giving me her "I'm so frustrated with you" look, then it is my son who wakes up and is immediately bored. Does this sound familiar to anyone? I know this is all just normal family "stuff". This morning I chose to deal with all of it by going to my computer and checking to see if maybe I had been placed any higher up in the Google search results yet. It's funny what type of things would make my day. However, I evidently still have not figured out what makes one site more relevant than others in the Google listings. Oh well, I am enjoying working on this site and that is what is most important right now. I hope any information I post here is helpful and interesting to someone who reads it.

What is Foster Care?

The Illinois Department of Children and Family Services defines Foster Care as "the temporary placement of children outside of their own homes".

Foster Care occurs due to several factors. Children may need to be placed in temporary homes due to abuse, neglect, or other serious family problems.

The immediate goal of DCFS is to try and reunite these children with their families by working with them through counseling and other forms of training for both the parent(s) and the child.
Sometimes, however, it is not possible for the child and his/her family to be reunited and in those cases a process is begun to help prepare the child for adoption or for independent life if the child is older.

There are many children who will need to be placed in foster homes. According to DCFS the children who are most in need of homes at the present time are:

African American Children
Teenage mothers and their babies
Children with special medical needs
Adolescents
Brothers and sisters who need to stay together
Hispanic children
Babies born with the HIV (AIDS) virus or with cocaine in their system

As me and my husband were looking into becoming a traditional foster family, I asked whether it was possible to express a preference for a particular age, race, or sex of a child. We were told yes, that was possible. It is important that some thought be given as to what type of child will best fit in with your family. It is also important to know that when the Agency calls asking if you will take a particular child, you have the right to ask questions, and to say no if necessary. It is important to have thought out whether or not you are able to take in children with a medical problem or physical disability. Will race be a problem in any way that will bring hurt to the child being placed in your home? Do you have other children at home who you would be putting at risk by taking in a child with known sexual issues? There are many questions to ask yourself before taking in children. If you are a single parent and are willing to take in any child regardless of their special issues, then go for it. Good, loving, foster families who do not have many restrictions are very valuable to the foster care system.

If you need to learn more about foster care, please visit the DCFS site by clicking on their link in the sidebar. Everything you need to know can be found there and if you still have questions, you can contact them and they will be happy to assist you and answer any of your questions.

International Adoption

Although this site is all about the world of fostering which includes foster adoption, I want to take a moment and talk a little about adoption of another kind; international adoption. I realize that there are many people in this country who are against foreign adoption. The reason is easy to understand. There truly are many children right here in our own country who have need, for many different reasons, of a good, loving home. I am not here to argue with that philosophy. I would simply like to point out that our country is not the only one where there is such a strong need for homes for parent less, homeless, children. By reaching out across the miles we can also open our hearts and homes to many of the beautiful and very needy children who live far from us in other countries.
If you are interested in looking into foreign adoption, click on the picture of the girl sitting in a basket located to the right in the sidebar and you will be taken to an article which talks about what you may expect when adopting internationally.

Looking for Books

Lately my foster daugher A. has been pushing at me to get to the library to find books containing stories of other children who have lived in foster homes. I haven't been very successful in finding anything in the library. I have briefly been searching through web pages looking for Christian Book Distributors who may carry children's books about foster children. We do have some local Christian book stores in our area and I intend to continue my search in those stores.
I would appreciate it if any other foster family who reads this post could give me some advice on where to purchase any of these types of books.

Closer to A.

My foster daughter A. and my son and nephews all went and spent the evening at my parents home one evening last week. That was the evening me and my husband had to attend the first of our basic first aid courses for foster parents. A. enjoyed herself at my parents home. My mom and dad have been great with her and have treated her as if she were one of their own grandchildren. A has recognized this acceptance from the very beginning and has always called my parents Grandpa and Grandma.

When me and my husband arrived to pick A. and our son up, we went in and sat and visited for a little bit with my parents. A. and my mom were sitting on the couch with a big box of jewelry sitting in front of them on the coffee table. A. loves jewelry whereas I don't wear any except for a watch. I know that she wishes I had more interest in jewelry and is often disappointed because not only do I not wear it myself but I restrict her wearing of it to what I consider to be a modest amount. My mom was letting A. dig through her jewelry box and ask her questions about all the different rings and necklaces and miscellaneous pieces that she ran across. I sat on the other couch and watched. A. would pick up a gold or silver necklace or a diamond ring and ask my mom all about it. "Where did this come from? Who gave it to you?" and mom would tell her a short history about it. A. was very much enjoying herself. It was nice to see A. interacting so well with my family.

We have our hard times and I know that A. sometimes gets depressed because she doesn't quite feel like a true member of our family. Her mom's termination isn't final yet and I know that she still holds onto hope that something will happen and she will yet be able to go back home. So she keeps a part of herself held back from us. If she were to completely allow herself to feel as though she were as much a part of our family as any of our other kids then she would feel disloyal to her mom. At this point there are still too many issues left undone. We have to get past the point of her mom's termination and then I truly believe that she will allow herself to be closer to us and I myself will be able to relax and feel closer to her. I am ready for that day.

Foster Care in the US - Frustrating or Rewarding?

Those of us who live within the foster care system often at times find it to be somewhat less than perfect! We may feel that a particular case is taking much too long to be resolved. Or perhaps the targeted end goal for a foster child is not one that we agree with. Sometimes we just feel as though the whole foster system is too full of holes.

Often we hear on the news stories of abused children who were killed or seriously injured by their biological parents or relatives. Often we find out that a report had been called in but not adequately followed up on. It is not always the fault of the social workers or foster case workers that these children were missed. Too often our child welfare agencies are understaffed with inadequate funds to hire more help. These Child Care Workers are very often just as frustrated as we foster families are.

With so many children being placed in the Foster Care System, it is important that the supply of good, caring foster homes keep up with the demand. A Foster Home offers children who have been removed from their own homes a safe and nurturing place to stay, sometimes for a few weeks or possibly even a few years. A child who is placed in a "safe" foster home which turns out to be "unsafe" must endure even more pain and feelings of being unloved.

It is extremely important that families who decide to take on the responsibility of housing foster children have available to them all of the support and care that is necessary for them to maintain a loving, nurturing and safe environment in which these children can stay for as long as is necessary.

If you do not feel as though you are in a position to take in foster children, but would like to help in some way, there are things that you can do. If you know a foster family, you could offer to drive their kids to sports activities, or to doctor's appointments. You could just visit with the parents and offer words of encouragement. These small gestures are ever so helpful in recharging the empty batteries that the foster parents may be running on. And it is a great way to feel better about yourself, too.

Please keep in mind that even though our foster system is not perfect, it is operating in the best interest of our country's children. Imperfect human beings run imperfect organizations. That does not mean that the hearts of each worker is not in the right place. They are doing their best.