Mandated Reporters: Calling In Reports of Child Abuse

Much of this information was taken directly from the Illinois Department of Children and Family Services' web site. (See my link to DCFS)

What is a mandated reporter?
Reports of child abuse have been on the rise over the past 20 some years. In 1982, there were 51,674 cases of child abuse reported. By 2006, that number had risen to 110,235. "Child abuse is the mistreatment of a child under the age of 18 by a parent, caretaker, someone living in their home or someone who works with or around children". (See my link to DCFS). Child abuse does not have to be physical. It can also be mental, sexual, or be in the form of neglect. A majority of child abuse reports are called in my mandated reporters. Mandated reporters are workers in certain professions who must make a report if they strongly suspect child abuse. Mandated reporters include:

physicians, psychiatrists, surgeons, residents, interns, dentists, dental hygienists, medical examiners, pathologists, osteopaths, coroners, Christian Science practitioners, chiropractors, podiatrists, registered and licensed practical nurses, emergency medical technicians, hospital administrators, and other personnel involved in the examination, care or treatment of patients, teachers, school personnel, educational advocates assigned to a child pursuant to the School Code, truant officers, director and staff assistants of day care centers and nursery schools, child care workers, probation officers, law enforcement officers, field personnel of the Departments of Children and Family Services, Public Health, Public aid, Human Services (acting as successor to the Department of Mental Health & Developmental Disabilities Rehabilitation Services, or Public Aid), Corrections, Human Rights.

This list also includes: supervisors and administrators of general assistance under the Illinois Public Aid code. Other mandated reporters include social workers, social service administrators, substance abuse treatment personnel, domestic violence program personnel, crisis line or hot line personnel, foster parents, homemakers, recreational program or facility personnel, registered psychologists and assistants working under the direct supervision of a psychologist.

I ran across this information and wanted to share it with you. I learned of this list during the first of my Pride Classes for foster parent training. It is important to know that if you are on this list, you are required to make a report if you have any reasonable cause to suspect child abuse.

You can call the Illinois Child Abuse Hot line (800) 25-ABUSE, or 217-524-2606, or
The National Child Abuse Hot line 1-800-4-A-CHILD.

Anyone can report suspected child abuse, but law states that all Mandated Reporters must make reports if they strongly suspect child abuse.

It Is A Good Beginning

I had a talk today with my foster daughter A. I decided it was time we had the discussion about the fact that she is still calling me and my husband, Mr. & Mrs. C. I explained earlier the reason behind that was because I used to be an assistant teacher at her school and she got used to calling me Mrs. C. Anyway, it has been around 5 years now and she is too much a part of our family for this to continue anymore. It looks like we will probably be adopting her, even though the final adoption may be a year or two out yet. She will be living with us from now on. So I siezed an opportunity while we were out together today in the car and told her that I just wasn't feeling comfortable anymore with her calling me Mrs. C. I explained that maybe it was time that we began to act more as a family unit and not as our family and our foster daughter. It was hard for her to even imagine calling me mom and my husband dad, but she agreed to all my reasons why it would be better if we did make that change. So, for the rest of today she has been sheepishly calling me mom. I know that it will take a long time to feel normal about this change, but at least it is out in the open and it is a beginning. I think she will have a hard time when we are around other people. I told her to do her best and go with what she was feeling and we could talk about each individual situation as they came up. It feels good to hear her call me mom. It makes me smile to hear her call my husband dad. It is a good beginning!

You Can Be Anything You Want To Be

Too often it is said of foster kids that they are damaged and that they will never be successful at anything. The damage, we read, has made it impossible for them to relate to life on a normal level and too often these kids wind up either in jail or grow up to repeat the mistakes their birth parents made. I'm sure that is true for a number of foster kids. Sometimes the abuse they lived through was just too much and the scarring too deep. But that is the exception, not the rule. I have recently been reading about some former foster kids who have overcome whatever obstacles where placed in their path by their birth situations. Let me list some of the names of these people and see if you recognize them:

Alonzo Mourning (NBA Superstar), Charlotte Ayanna (Miss Teen USA and Actress), Eleanor Roosevelt (former First Lady), Eddie Murphy (Movie Star and Comedian), Ice T (Musician and Movie Director), Tommy Davidson (Comedian & Actor), Willie Nelson (Country Musician), Duante Culpepper (NFL Quarterback Superstar), Babe Ruth (Baseball Legend), Allison Anders (Film Maker), Carl Hancock Rux (Musician), Anthony "Cos" DiCosmo (Pro Football Player), Dave Pelzer (Award-winning author), Marilyn Monroe (Movie Star Legend), John Lennon (Rock-n-Roll Legend, The Beatles), James Dean (Rebel and Actor), Dr. Ruth Westheimer (Psychologist and Author), Lorraine Pascale (Supermodel), Bruce Oldfield (Fashion Designer), Harold Robbins (Author), Malcolm X (Civil Rights Leader), Billy Mills (Track & Field Athlete), Victoria Rowell (Actress), tom Monaghan (Super-successful Businessman).

We have to keep telling our foster children that they can overcome anything, that they can be anything they want to be, that they can be successful. If our foster kids don't hear it from us, who will they hear it from?

Done Complaining

I have a new attitude this morning. I woke up and decided that I was simply tired last night and therefore my post reflected as much. The time we invest in learning about our foster children is definitely worth it! I myself have often been at a loss when it comes to handling particular situations with my own foster daughter A. Me and my husband have not yet been able to attend any of the foster parenting support groups. I really want to but it seems all of these other classes as well as my own personal life always intrudes upon whatever evening the support class falls on. If it were not for one friend in particular that I made this past year who also is a foster parent, I don't know what I would have done. I usually only get in touch with this friend over the phone as she has 5 very young children of her own. She has already adopted two of them and she hopes to adopt the other three. One of the three children she hopes to adopt happens to be a sibling to my foster daughter. That is how we became friends. She is wonderful to talk to because she understands exactly what I am going through and she always is encouraging to me. As we have the same biological mom in common with one of her kids we can commiserate with one another over some of the unbelievable situations that come up.
So, forgive my fatigue of last evening when I posted the I'm Not Complaining post. I am here for the long haul and will gladly take any and all training that I need to take in order to become a better parent to A. She is a beautiful 11 year old girl and she deserves to feel loved and accepted in a "normal" family environment. I will do whatever it takes to make her feel like she is a very important part of our family.

Not That I'm Complaining

Me and my husband attended our mandatory class on basic first aid. Next week will be CPR training. After that, in a few short weeks, we start the rest of our Pride Classes. This has been a time consuming adventure (I am referring to life within the foster care system). I am amazed at the hours that are required to learn how to be foster parents. I am almost 50 years old and have raised three of my own children. You would think our experiences over the past 25 years of parenting our own children would have in many ways prepared us to be able to parent other children as well. You would think! I have come to realize, however, that children who come through the foster system are usually not used to "normal" parenting methods. Not that I'm complaining. I do understand the need to be further educated on how to live with and parent these children. It is only the time involved that can sometimes get to me. Free time isn't something that I have in abundance these days. Not that I'm really complaining mind you. :} We learned quickly how time consuming fostering a child could be and we chose to continue with it anyway. I don't really mind taking the classes. Some of what we learn is actually new and interesting information. I guess the only part that bothers me is the amount of time it takes. Not that I'm complaining.

Despite My Imperfections

I just want to jump in here and admit that I am not the best foster mom in the world. My foster daughter and I are two very different individuals. We come from very different backgrounds and we both learned a long time ago that we have very little in common. This little girl, at the age of 11, as learned how to push buttons, and she has managed to find in me some which I did not know even existed! But I admit that I also have the ability to push buttons and with my head hung in shame I admit that too often I will stand with my feet planted stubbornly on the battlefield and the war of "who can push the most buttons" begins! I am quite sure that this behavior is not on any body's list of admirable traits to strive for!

To further expose the many ways in which I fail at being the best foster mom in the world, I will also admit that I completely lack patience when it comes to being forced to be referee in any of the heated "he said, she said" tournaments that occur between my son and foster daughter. When pushed into the position of trying to figure out who did what to whom, I don't stand a chance. By simply looking into A.'s face and seeing that look of "I am right no matter what anybody says," I know immediately that there is no way I am going to be able to figure out what happened. Her attitude will automatically push my "I don't know what happened but I do know that you had a lot to do with it" button. This button is the one responsible for her being sent to her room for yet another time out. I wish I knew where my "fairness button" was so I could push it myself and gain the ability to analyze each of their actions equally. With insight such as that I would know exactly how to react to both kids and how to dish out the discipline that would be fair to both of them.

So, now that I have put just a small handful of my many flaws out there for all to read about, I need to explain why it has been important for me to admit that I do not have all of the answers when it comes to raising my foster child. First of all, I know that there are many foster parents who, with their many imperfections, feel just as inadequate as I do. I think it is important that we all realize that it is okay to not be perfect. The truth of it is, there is not one person, foster parent or biological parent, who is indeed perfect. Secondly, whoever said that perfection was a prerequisite to loving and raising our foster children? The children that we take into our homes usually bring along with them a lot of emotional garbage that they have been collecting ever since they were born. What these children need the most is to feel loved and accepted, despite the mountain of garbage attached to them. They are not looking for perfection. They are looking for the security of a loving family.

Who would have thought!?

I just want everyone who is interested to know that I am in the process of creating a "group site" where anybody who wants to can enter the group and discuss whatever issues are in their lives pertaining to foster parenting or foster adoptions. I will post the address to that site once it is up and running.
I have had a hard time finding time to write these posts this past week as I have been busy with my kids and my grandson. I think I am ready for school to start!! Next week me and my husband are attending a mandatory class on CPR and Medication Administration. We have to attend that class once each week for two weeks. Then, we begin the Pride classes. We have already taken the first two because we were considered "relative caregivers" when A. came to live with us and that only requires the two classes. Now, we have to complete 7 more classes in order to become licensed as a "traditional foster family". We don't plan on taking in anymore kids at the present time though. We are waiting to see what happens with A.'s mom regarding her termination of parental rights. Our house is also for sale and it doesn't make much sense to take on anymore kids if we will be moving anytime soon. So, we are going through all the motions to become licensed and when the time is right, we'll take in maybe one more child, maybe two. Who knows what is in store for us in our future. We would have never thought that we would even consider taking in anymore kids considering what we have been through with A. and her family. But for some reason we feel like this is a step we want to take.

Aimless Chatter

It is getting late and the rest of my family has gone upstairs to watch a little bit of "Toy Story" together. I have been running errands all day with A. and my 18 month old grandson and I am completely worn out. I am torn between joining everyone else upstairs or staying here and enjoying the peace and quiet for the first time today. I guess I choose the peace and quiet, at least for a few minutes.
A. had her family visit today. She came home completely wound up, talking a mile-a-minute about anything and everything that came to her mind. When she is in this mood, she has a habit of talking just for the sake of talking and it doesn't matter to her that she often repeats herself, sometimes retelling stories and comments and questions over and over and over. Sometimes I just have to say something to her because I can't stand to hear anymore aimless chatter. At least she is not in one of her hateful moods. I never know after a visit how she is going to behave. She seems a bit on the "giddy" side. That is often a reaction to the sugar snacks and drinks that her mom brings to her visits. Oh well - beginning very soon A. will only be visiting with her mom once a month. I feel sorry for A., but I know that things will only continue to get better for our family as her "mom" visits begin to dwindle away.

9 months and so far, so good!

To continue my story, A. moved back in with us 3 weeks after school started. Of course that meant that we had to hurry and get her enrolled and go through all of the screening and paperwork (this was a private school) and try to get her started within a day or two of coming to live with us. We did manage to accomplish that! Now it was just settling down to day to day life with our new "permanent" foster child. I was a little nervous because things had not always gone so smoothly when she was with us before, but for a couple of months, things actually went very well. I hate to say this but, if somehow it could have been possible for her to become OUR child and not have to share her once a week with her biological mom, I believe that things would have remained good. However, we do have to share, for now. This unfortunately brings with it many, many episodes of confusion, anger, disappointment, frustration, lying, and much more for A. These weekly visits had become something to dread. We knew that after each visit we would have to help A. adjust back into being part of OUR family. She is a very mature young girl at 11 years old and understands much more than I sometimes give her credit for. But she really wants to believe everything her mom tells her and unfortunately that just isn't something she should do. We have had a lot of talks since she came back to our home and she always tells me that she loves our "girl talk". I myself have always been a person who doesn't open up much to others and our talks have, at times, been hard to sit through for me. But, I try very hard to be interested in everything she has to say because I know how important it is for her. She has been with us for 9 months now and we have had a number of ups and downs, but the downs are certainly less often than they used to be. Her situation is most likely heading for termination of her mother's parental rights and we plan on adopting A. if it does end up with that as an option. I say that with more than a little bit of dread at the thought. We love A. There is no question about that. Otherwise we would never consider adoption. But we know that she is sure to bring to our home a lot of turmoil not only at the present time, but as she goes through her teen years (I won't even try to imagine what that will be like!) and on into young adulthood. There are so many questions I have as I look ahead into her future. But I will save that for another time.
Things are OK for now. A. really is trying to be good and do what she knows we expect her to do. I can't ask for more than that, I guess.

Thank you God, for A.

After A. left, I have to admit that along with the sadness we felt over the fact that things did not work out, we also felt a certain sense of relief. Our life reverted back to the way it was before foster kids with only the normal day to day stresses that any normal family experiences. We did keep in touch with A. though. If we did not contact her, then she would contact us. She came over for visits regularly and we did enjoy her during those visits. Slowly, we began to start hearing little statements from her that maybe things weren't going so well at her new foster home. It wasn't long before she was telling us stories of particular things that she was living with at that home and that she was not happy there. We knew what was coming. Then she layed the bomb! "Can I come back and live with you again, pleeeeeeeeease?! At that moment I think both me and my husband knew that it was simply meant to be that A. was with us. So, all the proper phone calls were made and before we knew it A. was back with us. This time, we knew that there was no turning back. When we said yes to her coming back, we knew that it was for keeps this time. No matter what problems she brought to our lives, we were going to learn to deal with them. If she were our own biological child, we would not be moving her from home to home just because we had to deal with tough issues. Besides, how could we ever send her away again to another home after knowing what other foster homes can be like! She was safe and loved in our home and we knew that we would not let her go again for as long as she was in foster care.
There is more but that is all I am going to write tonight. I do want to admit that I have grown a lot because of A. She has made me look at myself and I have not always liked what I have seen. I keep praying for a change within myself that would make me a better person, a better mother, and even a better wife. I guess it is true that we learn and grow alot from the trials that we go through if we don't let them take us down. As Christians we are told to thank God for our trials.
Thank you God, for A.

My Story Continues

Thursday, June 12, 2008
To continue my story of how we became a foster family and our experiences, (see earlier post) I left off where we had just taken back into our home the oldest of 2 sisters who had been moved to a second foster home (ours being the first). When A. came back to live with us, it was supposed to be only for a few weeks while her case worker searched for another long term foster home. After a couple of months and with the beginning of school approaching, me and my husband talked and decided that there was really no reason why we couldn't just keep A. with us for the remainder of her time in foster care. So we notified the proper people and tried to settle in with A. Well, you have to realize that we, at this point, were still very green when it came to living within the foster care system and we had pretty much no support at all. With no one to talk to about the experiences we were going through, tension began to build and I became more and more afraid that I would not be able to continue living with this little girl. Day after day brought one bad scene after another, especially between me and A. She seemed to be able to get along with my husband and looked to him as a father figure. But when it came to me, now that I know more about her, she simply could not accept me as a replacement for her own mom. She fought me over everything. She was not used to rules or boundaries and I am very big on them. She simply could not agree that it was not ok for her to do whatever it was that she felt like doing, whenever she wanted to do it. She was full of anger and frustration over this whole situation of not being able to be with her mom and she took it out on me. I don't want to sound as though there were never any good times. There were days when me and A. could talk together and she would open up to me and tell me all about her past and things that had happened to her, faults that she knew her mom had, fears about her sister, and much more. There were days we could laugh together and the whole family could be together and have a good time. But the bad times were so intense that they simply overshadowed that good times. As time went on me and my husband had to make the heart wrenching decision, again, that it was time for A. to move on to another foster home. I guess that is where I'll stop for now. Again I want to stress that talking with other people who are going through similar situations as yourself can make all the difference. If we had just known where to go to find support maybe A. would not have had to go through what she viewed as a second rejection from us.

Training For Foster Parents

Wednesday, June 11, 2008
If you are considering becoming a licensed foster family, you need to contact your local Child Welfare Agency. Here in Illinois you can contact the Department of Children & Family Services. Click on one of the DCFS links on this page and you will be taken to their web site. Any and all information that you need to know to become a licensed foster family can be found there.

Making It Through Those First Few Months

Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Those first few weeks and months with new foster kids can be overwhelming, we know. Let me tell you a little about our first experience at being foster parents. We had never given serious consideration to becoming a foster family until we received a call from our local Department of Children and Family Services here in Illinois. A young woman we had known for several years was having a hard time properly parenting her two young daughters and DCFS had made the decision to place these girls into foster care. The woman had given DCFS our name and when they called us, we couldn't say no. Since we were not liscensed we had to be officially appointed as these girls' God parents. As God parents, we were now considered family. So, at ages 5 and 9 these two girls came to live with us. We soon learned that they both knew more about the "seedy" side of life than many adults know. We were worried about the influence they would have on our then 12 year old son. I know that I never relaxed unless I knew exactly where everyone was at all times. Rules were made and strictly monitored so that our son and neither girl were ever behind closed doors or somewhere that I could not hear what was going on. This was very difficult and stressful to keep up with. Life had definitely changed for us. On top of that problem, the oldest girl had obviously taken on the role of "mom" to the younger one. I came to understand that many older children who have lived with neglectful parents automatically fall into the role of parenting their younger siblings. I also understood very early on that it was going to be extremely difficult for me to step in as parent, particularly as mom, for these girls. We had many very hard times those first few months and it became evident that we were not going to be able to handle both girls in our home. It was an extremely difficult decision to make, but we decided to have both girls moved to another foster home. We would have kept the older girl, but at the time we made the decision that it would be best for the girls to stay together. As it turned out, things didn't work out at that home either due to the same problems that we had experienced and so it was decided by DCFS that these two girls should be separated. I realize that in most cases it is absolutely not the best idea to separate siblings, but DCFS decided that due to several issues, some that I have not mentioned, these girls would probably do much better if they had time away from each other. As it turned out, they were right. We ended up taking the older girl back into our home and the younger one went to live with a wonderful lady. This is not the end of this story but I will save the rest for later. What I want anyone to know who may have just become foster parents is that you are not alone. You need to get in touch with other foster families that you may know or contact your local child welfare agency to help you get connected with other foster families. We did not know enough to reach out to others who were going through the same struggles as we were and I now know that it would have helped us to talk with others about what we were experiencing. I will gladly "talk" to anyone who would like to tell me about their experiences. Just post a comment and tell me what you are going through. Strength comes in numbers and there are many foster families in the united states. Let's band together and support each other. Let's talk.

Leaning On And Learning From The Support Of Other Foster Families

Monday, June 9, 2008
At one time or another all foster families need support with the issues that come when living with a foster child. When you decide to become a foster parent, you can easily overlook the fact that parenting a foster child often has to be done in a slightly different manner, with different techniques then you used with your own children. If you are not prepared for this difference in parenting techniques, you can find yourself at a loss regarding how to handle the many different and often difficult situations that a foster child can bring into your lives. Very often foster children have backgrounds which are far different from what you grew up with and from the way you raised your own children. Talking to other foster parents about the often confusing and somewhat complicated situations that you find yourself dealing with can help you understand your foster child better. With support from others who are experiencing the same problems that you are facing, you can begin to feel confident that you have the ability to handle your foster child in a more effective way.

Loving Foster Families Desperately Needed

We discovered through our experiences as foster parents these past two and a half years that the need for good, loving, foster homes is desperately needed. There are many children who are in need of a temporary foster home. While we did not search out to become foster parents, we feel blessed that we have had this opportunity to get to know our foster daughter and to have been able to give her a safe and loving place to live for as long as she needs it. Our situation will probably end up with adoption. Each case is an individual one with individual situations. But whatever the outcome is, a child who is removed from their home and placed in the foster care system deserves to be placed with a family who will love them and help them through the many heartaches and trials that they will experience as a result of their past and from being removed from their home. If you feel your heart is open enough to consider taking in a foster child, don't hesitate to contact your local child welfare agency. There are simply not enough good foster homes to go around. You are needed by a child.

Sharing Your Frustrations and Blessings

Sunday, June 8, 2008
I am the mother of 2 grown girls (ages 22 & 25) and a teenage boy (age 15). Two and a half years ago, my husband and myself became foster parents to two young girls (ages 6 & 9). We were not a registered foster family and were not even considering becoming liscensed. These two girls were daughters of a young woman that we had known for quite awhile. When this woman was informed that her daughers were to be put into foster care, she gave our name as a family whom she trusted and where she knew her girls would feel safe. We received the phone call and were told we needed to make a decision right away as there was no where else for these girls to go and remain together. That is how we entered into the world of foster care. We had no idea how much emotional turmoil these two little girls would be bringing into our world. My hope for this blog site is that it will give foster families a place to connect and share with other foster families the frustrations as well as the blessings that fostering has brought to their lives.