ADVICE NEEDED: FOSTER CHILD AND LYING

When my husband and I took in our foster daughter, we were not actively seeking to be a foster family. We had known this girl and her family for several years so when the Child Welfare Agency removed this 10 year old girl from her mother's care, the mother requested that we take her in. We were officially named as God Parents so that we could be considered a Relative Foster Family. At that point, we were able to take A. into our home as our foster daughter.

We had no idea what we were in for because we had never looked into, nor studied in any way, what was necessary to be a successful foster family. This 10 year old girl came into our home with all of the usual problems that we have come to understand are common for many foster kids. She saw way too much of the raunchy side of life while she was growing up those first 9 years of her life. She was the "mom" in her family. "Mom" to her little sister and also to her own mom. Then she was sexually abused by one of her mom's boyfriends at age 9. By the time she came to our home, she was a mess.

We took her in thinking we could just take care of her the same as we had taken care of and raised our own 3 biological children. Wrong!!! We quickly learned that this girl that we had taken in and grown to love was not able to think in what we call a "normal" way. She can not process normal day to day reality in the same way we do. Her mom had been severely abused as a young girl and had never bonded to any adult as a child. As a result, she now has what is referred to as "Attachment Disorder". One of the ways people with this disorder learn to cope with life is through constant lieing. Unfortunately, as A. lived with her mom for the first 9 years of her life, she learned how to lie and manipulate just like her mom.

We now do not know when A. is telling us a lie or the truth! We have zero trust in her. She lies about little things and big things. Our fear is that she is only 13 years old. Her teen years are just beginning, which are hard in the best of circumstances. She has already shown extreme interest in boys and in babies. She has asked us what we would do if she came home at age 14, pregnant. What would we do? Would we let her raise the baby? Could she still live with us?

My head spins when I think of what we may be facing in the next few years. We don't feel like we can ever trust her. We don't even leave her alone when we go to the grocery store. I can't see a time when I will ever want her in our house alone, at any age. I fear She will go through our room and personal things. She has already smoked so I imagine she will try that again if given the opportunity. There are just so many ways I can't trust her I can't list them all here. I want so much to just give up and let her move to another foster home. Yet I keep putting it off. I don't know why because I am pretty sure she will not change and our lives are in for some extremely tough times.

Is that selfish of me? I just want my life to return some sense of normalicy. We weren't looking for this, we just stepped in to try and help a family out because we knew them. Now we don't know which way to turn. I am hoping that someone who reads this will have experienced the same feelings and similar experiences that our family has. What can we do about our foster daughter's lieing? What sort of punishments are appropriate for her, that will actually help her to see how damaging her lies are? We have tried several different things but she doesn't seem to learn from anything. She seems to just blow off everything we try to teach her about life. If A. wants to do something, she will do it regardless of whether or not we have already told her not to do it. '

I am really hoping to get a response from someone who has been through fostering a child who lies frequently. We need advice or I fear I am going to give up. If I can't help A., then why is she at our home? She needs to be somewhere where there are people who can get through to her. Is there such a place? Our case worker told us that 75% of all foster homes in our area are considered bad foster homes. That is pretty scary. How can I let A. go when I know the chances of her winding up in a "bad" foster home is so great? Yet, how can I continue on with her in my home when I am so at the end of my tolerance?

Any advice out there?