I Hope!

I guess it's time to post an update on my foster daughter and our lives together. I keep hoping that one day I'm going to be able to celebrate and write a post praising God that this whole mess is finished, at least as far as being connected to the foster care system is concerned, and that A. will finally be adopted and be ours. We have been told for months and months that the paper work for termination is on the paralegal's desk and should be filed any day now. I've stopped listening and quite frankly the case worker has now began to simply shrug her shoulders and tell me that my guess is as good as hers as to what is going on and why things aren't moving along more quickly.

In the meantime, A.'s mind is constantly being messed with by her bio mom and the roller coaster ride that she has been on for the past four years is continuing. One month she wants to be adopted and the next mom visit she wants to go home. Then another mom visit and she wants to be adopted. Then another mom visit and she begins talking like her mom is going to come and "steal her" one day and they are going to run away together. Then she will tell me that she never meant any of what she said and that she really wants to stay with us. She claims her mom just has this way of "torturing" her mind and getting her to go along with whatever her mom wants her to. So, since her mom hates us because she has no access to A. as long as she lives with us (except for the one hour a month visit) she has began to talk to A. about claiming that she is unhappy here and that she wants to move to another home. That was a few weeks ago and at that point I was ready to give it all up and let her go. I was so upset and hurt and angry at the whole system and everyone involved including A. that I got on the phone that same day that A. told me she wanted to leave and I told her case worker that I had had it and we needed somewhere for A. to go until another home could be found for her.

Well, my husband felt the need to step in because I was obviously out of control and couldn't be counted on to make a rational decision at this point. So, he went into her room and had a long talk with her while I was out running errands. When I got back, he told me all that they had talked about and that A. had admitted once again that her mom had gotten to her head and that she did NOT want to leave our home. I had cooled off somewhat by this point (a few days past the original announcement from A.) and I decided to go talk to her myself. We talked for around 2 hours and I got the same story that my husband had and she insisted that she did not want to leave.

I am so worn out. I called our case worker and we had a meeting with her, A.'s counselor and my husband and myself. We were asked if we were willing to keep A. or if they needed to begin looking for a new home. We said, no, we were willing to keep her (we do love her very much) and that we would just keep on going until we just couldn't do it anymore.

A. and me and my husband watched the movie "Losing Isaiah" since all of this happened. It happens that A. has a little brother who lives with another foster family and he reminds us all very much of little Isaiah in the movie. (Check out the DVD carousel on the right side of my blog and you will be able to click on the DVD "Losing Isaiah". If you haven't watched this movie, I recommend it.) We have talked before about how hard it would be on A's little brother to be moved from his foster home after four years and returned to a mom that he has never known as "mom". After watching the movie, A. cried and said that she could see how that would be exactly the same way it would feel if her little brother were to be taken from his foster family and returned to his bio mom. She has struggled with the whole idea of whether or not her mom needs her and her little brother and sister to go back home with their mom based solely on the knowledge that she is their Biological Mom and that is where they all belong. She feels sorry for her mom and can't stand the thought of hurting her by none of them ever living with her again as her children. But this movie opened up some new thoughts in A.'s mind and I could just see the wheels turning behind her eyes.

I'm sure our roller coaster ride is not over, but I hope maybe it will not be as horrible as in the past. The next hearing is in October. Maybe then we can celebrate. Who knows. I guess only God does. I'll leave it in his hands. In the meantime, we will continue to love A. and put up with her poor confused mind. School has started so that will give her something else to think about besides her mom. I hope.