Days aren't always good and I guess this is one of those that aren't good. Without going into specific detail, I've had my optimistic view of where things were heading between me and my foster daughter come screeching to a halt. I hope it is only temporary. I've always known that I will never be able to take the place of A.'s mom, but I was hoping that she was beginning to feel comfortable enough with me that she could accept me as a mom when the time came. She knows in her heart that without an out and out miracle, she will never be going home to live with her real mom. She loves her mom so much and she is hurting so much inside. A. understands her mom has problems, but I believe A. thinks that if she could just go home, she could single handedly counsel her mom and take care of her and her mom would start behaving and everything would be all right. She doesn't understand that after a lifetime of living the habits that her mom has been living, she is pretty much incapable of ever changing (I always give acknowledgement that of course God could change her, but she has to want to change badly enough to ask God for help in the first place.)
So today I received a rude awakening that the possibility exists that A. does not even want to stay living here with us if she is told at the next court date, October, that she will not be going home. Something was alluded to about running away if that happened and going to live with the last foster family she lived with. Right! Like that will ever happen! I will fight tooth and nail to keep her out of that home. I can't believe for one minute that her case worker would ever allow that to happen anyway. But, you never know.
I received all of this news like a blow to my stomach. Here I am encouraging her to call me mom and my husband dad because I believe that things are going so great. I guess I was pushing too much too fast. I am feeling so depressed right now. I have cried so much lately over what seems to be everything but this has really set me off.
I feel like such a failure as a mom. I won't go into my personal life too much, but I have always felt like I could sure use a bit more affirmation that what I was doing as a mom was good and right. I have loved with every ounce of my being and have only wanted to feel some of that love being returned back. When kids are little, they are full of hugs and "I love yous" and kisses. As they grow, they become more and more "You just don't understand, you don't know anything!" Hmmm - like I never was their age once and know exactly what they are going through! I wonder if my mom felt the same as I do right now. Mom? Did you? I'm sorry if I ever made you feel as though you weren't important to me and that I didn't love you. I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for you and dad.
Maybe all kids feel like their parents should just automatically know that they are loved. I guess I know intellectually that my kids love me, but wouldn't it be nice if they would have shown it once in a while as they were growing through the roughest times, the teen years? Yes, yes, I know - the teen years are the most selfish times that a child will ever go through. Everything in their world is about THEM. That is just the way it is. I accepted it as I was living it. It just seems harder going through it now with my foster daughter and my 15 year old son.
Now my two older girls are grown , one is married and moving 6 hours away and the other is 22 and lives at home with us and her 20 month old son. I love them both so much I don't know how I would live without them. I don't think they realize that. Do you girls? My 25 year old daughter is old enough and is a practicing Christian and she has come to realize the importance of showing people that she loves them. I want her to know that I recognize that and I appreciate it! My 22 year old daughter has taken a rougher path and I don't understand her very well. I won't go into much about her, but I wish she could find it within herself to let me know that she loves me and appreciates all that I have done and continue to do for her. She has her dad's side of the family's personality which is a bit abrasive at times. Even when they really don't mean to sound angry, they have this booming voice that makes you cringe and wonder why they are shouting at you. If you bring it up to them, they'll look at you and say "I wasn't shouting, I am just explaining this or that to you!" She is an intense person and very emotional and tends to lash out whenever her emotions get the better of her, which can be often and can be overbearing. I hope she knows that I love her, despite all of our imperfections!
Backtracking to my foster daughter A. I guess I'm going to have wait this one out and see what happens after the court date. I am going to stop reminding her to call me mom. If she wants to call me Mrs. __ for some reason, so be it. I have already began to loosen up on some of the restrictions that I had to put in place for her when she first came to live with us until I knew where she was with some of the issues in her past. She has had some set backs, but overall I think she is doing pretty good and I think I am ready to lift some of the restrictions. Gulp! Why do I know as surely as I am sitting here that I am going to regret this? But I can't treat her like a criminal or a baby or a problem child, or whatever it was I was treating her like, forever. She has to live her life and begin to make her own mistakes. This is an important step anyway so we can find out what the real A. is like. She seems to have 2 sides to her. She shows us, for the most part, the one she thinks she wants us to see, but there is another side to her. The one that wants to run away if she can't go back home. Wow - that is still such a blow to me.
I could sure use advice on this. I don't get many comments on my posts, but I would appreciate everyone helping me out with this one. How many of you have had all of these feelings? Am I abnormal or normal? Is A. acting like a typical foster child who is about to lose her mom and is confused about what to do about it? Should I talk to her about it? She doesn't know we know she feels this way about running away as we accidentally came upon this information. So, it is hard to bring it up to her. How many of you moms out there feel like failures? Of those of you who consider yourselves more strict, do you look back and regret that you had so many rules for your kids? How many of you let your children listen to whatever type of music they want to? I'm talking HARD "christian" music and rap and HARD rock and roll. As a Christian, I have learned and accepted that the harder music in any category of music is more likely to have lyrics that allude to sex, satan, drugs, and so on. How many of you agree on this? Oh my gosh, I wish I had a room full of people sitting with me right now answering my questions. Please post your comments! Give me some feedback!!!!!
So today I received a rude awakening that the possibility exists that A. does not even want to stay living here with us if she is told at the next court date, October, that she will not be going home. Something was alluded to about running away if that happened and going to live with the last foster family she lived with. Right! Like that will ever happen! I will fight tooth and nail to keep her out of that home. I can't believe for one minute that her case worker would ever allow that to happen anyway. But, you never know.
I received all of this news like a blow to my stomach. Here I am encouraging her to call me mom and my husband dad because I believe that things are going so great. I guess I was pushing too much too fast. I am feeling so depressed right now. I have cried so much lately over what seems to be everything but this has really set me off.
I feel like such a failure as a mom. I won't go into my personal life too much, but I have always felt like I could sure use a bit more affirmation that what I was doing as a mom was good and right. I have loved with every ounce of my being and have only wanted to feel some of that love being returned back. When kids are little, they are full of hugs and "I love yous" and kisses. As they grow, they become more and more "You just don't understand, you don't know anything!" Hmmm - like I never was their age once and know exactly what they are going through! I wonder if my mom felt the same as I do right now. Mom? Did you? I'm sorry if I ever made you feel as though you weren't important to me and that I didn't love you. I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for you and dad.
Maybe all kids feel like their parents should just automatically know that they are loved. I guess I know intellectually that my kids love me, but wouldn't it be nice if they would have shown it once in a while as they were growing through the roughest times, the teen years? Yes, yes, I know - the teen years are the most selfish times that a child will ever go through. Everything in their world is about THEM. That is just the way it is. I accepted it as I was living it. It just seems harder going through it now with my foster daughter and my 15 year old son.
Now my two older girls are grown , one is married and moving 6 hours away and the other is 22 and lives at home with us and her 20 month old son. I love them both so much I don't know how I would live without them. I don't think they realize that. Do you girls? My 25 year old daughter is old enough and is a practicing Christian and she has come to realize the importance of showing people that she loves them. I want her to know that I recognize that and I appreciate it! My 22 year old daughter has taken a rougher path and I don't understand her very well. I won't go into much about her, but I wish she could find it within herself to let me know that she loves me and appreciates all that I have done and continue to do for her. She has her dad's side of the family's personality which is a bit abrasive at times. Even when they really don't mean to sound angry, they have this booming voice that makes you cringe and wonder why they are shouting at you. If you bring it up to them, they'll look at you and say "I wasn't shouting, I am just explaining this or that to you!" She is an intense person and very emotional and tends to lash out whenever her emotions get the better of her, which can be often and can be overbearing. I hope she knows that I love her, despite all of our imperfections!
Backtracking to my foster daughter A. I guess I'm going to have wait this one out and see what happens after the court date. I am going to stop reminding her to call me mom. If she wants to call me Mrs. __ for some reason, so be it. I have already began to loosen up on some of the restrictions that I had to put in place for her when she first came to live with us until I knew where she was with some of the issues in her past. She has had some set backs, but overall I think she is doing pretty good and I think I am ready to lift some of the restrictions. Gulp! Why do I know as surely as I am sitting here that I am going to regret this? But I can't treat her like a criminal or a baby or a problem child, or whatever it was I was treating her like, forever. She has to live her life and begin to make her own mistakes. This is an important step anyway so we can find out what the real A. is like. She seems to have 2 sides to her. She shows us, for the most part, the one she thinks she wants us to see, but there is another side to her. The one that wants to run away if she can't go back home. Wow - that is still such a blow to me.
I could sure use advice on this. I don't get many comments on my posts, but I would appreciate everyone helping me out with this one. How many of you have had all of these feelings? Am I abnormal or normal? Is A. acting like a typical foster child who is about to lose her mom and is confused about what to do about it? Should I talk to her about it? She doesn't know we know she feels this way about running away as we accidentally came upon this information. So, it is hard to bring it up to her. How many of you moms out there feel like failures? Of those of you who consider yourselves more strict, do you look back and regret that you had so many rules for your kids? How many of you let your children listen to whatever type of music they want to? I'm talking HARD "christian" music and rap and HARD rock and roll. As a Christian, I have learned and accepted that the harder music in any category of music is more likely to have lyrics that allude to sex, satan, drugs, and so on. How many of you agree on this? Oh my gosh, I wish I had a room full of people sitting with me right now answering my questions. Please post your comments! Give me some feedback!!!!!
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4 comments:
I am pretty strict with my kids. Except for music cause I am a rocker chick. But they aren't allowed to listen to stuff with swear words or about sex. Once my daughter gets older, I will relent on that, too (maybe when she is 16 but it depends on her developmental level). As for acceptance of a new family and losing their old one, that is one of the hardest things you will have to deal with. And it won't end after TPR. It won't end after adoption finalization. It will never end. These kids who lose their birth parents will always have a hole in their hearts, no matter how terrible that situation was they were removed from. I encourage journaling for my daughter. I also do lifebooks for my kids so they know that I am not wiping out their past. And I don't push the "mom" and "dad" thing. That'll happen on its own. I actually get excited when my RAD kids call me by my first name because that means they are separating me from their other caregivers...but that is just me :) I am gentle but firm when my kids talk about wanting to go back to so-and-so. "I know you miss them, and that must be so hard for you, but this is where you are going to stay and we need to make a good life together." All of what you are dealing is your new "normal". It is so so hard and regular people with non-foster kids just won't get it. It is also normal for things to get really bad right around the anniversary dates like when kids were removed, when big court dates happen, holidays, etc. But these come and go in cycles. So stick with her. Show her that you won't give up on her. You have a long journey ahead :) and you are doing well!
Go visit:
www.fosteringmom.blogspot.com
I think she may be having some of the same problems your having.
I would love to give you my opinion, but I'm afraid it may be a bit controversial. I'm sorry this is happening. I know it's hard. What ever you decide to do will be very hard. I've seen this before (alot)with not alot of good outcomes.
I've been reading a lot of fost-adopt blogs lately and one of the things I've noticed is people talking about how things are getting crazy and stressful and the kid seems to really ramp up resistance right before an adoption. The problem is that the foster kid has set up a false choice; they think that by choosing a new adoptive parent, they're rejecting their bio family altogether. Once the foster parent figures it out and explains that it's not one or the other ("We can be your new family, but you can still have appropriate contact with brothers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc") and makes sure the child understands that they're not throwing away their bio family by being adopted, things end up ok (or at least better).
I think you're right to ease up on insisting that A call you Mom. Also, as a former teenager and someone who was friends with kids who had super strict parents, I can tell you that the ones who acted the worst when they were on their own were the ones whose parents kept them on the shortest leash.
I'm not fond of a lot of the music that's out there, and kids know that if they're in the car with me and I let them listen to their station, we'll end up having a "teaching moment" about misogyny or drugs or standing up for yourself. I know they're hearing this music elsewhere, and I'm happy to take the opportunity to be the one to point out what's wrong with it (since I know none of their friends will be listening to it that critically)
I can say that your heart is in the right place. You obviously love A very much. And that is big...but also very scary for A. And in my experience, this is the toughest point. Children want to be loved...but conection is hard. And they will fight it.
As for the rules, I think you need to make a list of your non-negotiables. These could be R rated movies, cursing..things like that. And then with the clothing and make-up and music...I allow my children to use their room as their place. But when we go out in public, then more appropriate attire is required. This way you are not taking it away completely. And it does not always work...but what does?! :)
But most importantly, just be there for her. And remember that this is not about you! I know...hard right? This was difficult for me. But if you take yourself out of the equation....then you can see more clearly what the issues really are. It may not be that she wants to run away...she may just be scared because she really likes it there.
Stay strong. Be consistant. And just continue to love that little girl....even if she chooses not to stay.
You are doing an amazing job, mom!
Giant *hugs* to you!
Jennifer :)
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